My Autistic Journal

a continuation of many years of self-discovery and perseverance

  • March 29, 2022: the destruction of my family.
    It has been one year, to the day. There is something about a year’s time. My mother was visiting us this weekend. I’d already been outlining this post, without her knowledge, when she said, […]
  • A big day?
    Today is important. It’s also frightening. Big days are like that. But, is this a “big” day? That’s the curiosity, as there is no way to know for sure. Actually, the question might be […]
  • 168,630 (carpe numerum)
    168,630 is the number of words I’ve written so far for this journal. The number of pages is 683. I’ve only published about half of them, and some of them will never be published. […]
  • Just passing through: time to be more Stoic.
    I’m now trying to imagine myself just passing through from place to place. That is, after all, what life is, passing through time. Of course, there is more, but it’s all just an illusion […]
  • Am I getting caught in the middle, again?
    Unfortunately, I can easily get caught between individuals or groups of people. Recently, someone told me to, “put on your big boy pants.” While I think she meant well, as a way to encourage […]
  • The moment your life makes no sense – again.
    Autism: every day is a great opportunity to discover ways your life seems completely backwards, no matter how hard and how long you’ve tried. Autism: it’s safer being alone. It just is. People can […]
  • What am I rebuilding?
    I think I’m in a rebuilding phase. Healing had to take place first, after the destruction. Even though I’ve been journalling about both, I’ve not quite figured out what I’m doing. I have some […]
  • New (old) “friends”
    They may be a generation older or younger, but I have some new “friends.”My wife has helped with that – they are our friends. Part of me wants to resist, but I’ve accepted nobody […]
  • Let’s do some VERY basic math. (Take 2)
    March 7, 2023 Scale -3 to +3 JOB No/little JOB People -3 2 $$$ 3 -3 Creativity 2 2 Anxiety -3 -1 Self-worth 2 -3 Good example for kids 2 -2 Executive Functioning -2 […]
  • How am I still alive?
    WARNING: If this is triggering or you, or someone that you know needs help, visit the resources listed at the end of this post. These are the following categories that give me a higher […]
  • I’m above average! (Life expectancy and autism.)
    The statistics on life expectancy and autism are sobering, assuming you believe living longer is better, with all other variables considered as well. From Amy Marschall’s article on Autistic people have significantly lower […]
  • Is it paranoia if it’s true?
    Paranoia can be present in autism, and, if for no other reason, past negative experiences with other humans tend to make one skeptical of what is going on. In some ways, I think autistics […]
  • Here they are! My self-imposed deadlines. (Week of March 6, 2023)
    This journal is not the only thing I’m working on, but here are some deadlines specific to it. Today is March 6, 2023. Here are my deadlines for myself for this week. This is […]
  • Hey, I got out of bed!
    Saved by the dogs, again. Plus, I was hungry. I’m trying to get a YouTube channel going, though I have no content. There are too many things “in the works,” and that is low […]
  • Let down by others, or letting others down?
    I may not get out of bed today, at least not until the dogs make me. What’s the point? Seriously. My life, in most ways, is pointless. I believe I have proof. Honestly, life […]
  • People who don’t actually like you don’t like being treated like they do. (Being awkward.)
    “It’s just awkward.” I’ve heard that before. I think it’s the polite way to tell me what I’ve done is not fine, but the intent is not being questioned. Autism=awkward. And, people don’t like […]
  • I have all the reasons in the world to hate myself.
    I’m riding in a car. My wife is driving. There are many posts I’m working on. Some are timely; many were timely some time ago. Should I still post them? Probably. My life is […]
  • Escaping the reality of now
    Imaginary friends are the best ones. They don’t abandon you, mistreat you, or take advantage of you. They don’t promise friendship knowing it won’t last, just for whatever short-term gain they have in mind. […]
  • Am I over “burnout”? I’ve been taking some “tests.”
    My brain feels much better than it has in a long time. When I say, “feels,” I mean that literally as well as its ability to function. How am I testing to see? For […]
  • I am SO bad at communication in some ways.
    Yeah. I just suck. Yep. No doubt. I have no clue. Truly. No idea. I should just say that over and over all day. It would make more sense than what I normally say, […]
  • A New Hope (Part 2)
    (If you don’t know anything of Star Wars, this post won’t make any sense.) I forgot about Sithius and any apprentices. Oops. Did Luke give up on Sithius? I guess he did. Vader had […]
  • I don’t need ten opinions. I just need the right advice.
    I’m tired of too much unsolicited advice. I used to ignore it, to some degree, but it got stuck in my head over time. Now, I’m trying to completely ignore it, though somehow, it […]
  • I can reject the rejection!
    People have rejected me. That sucks. But, I can reject that. If they treated me that way, I don’t guess I ever needed them. I don’t like the pain, the guilt, the anxiety it […]
  • Why can’t people just leave me alone?
    It doesn’t seem to matter. Whether I’m trying to help people or they are trying to help me, something goes wrong. I could blame ASD, but maybe I’m just especially idiotic flavor of autistic. […]
  • Here is how I know my brain is better.
    Well, I can’t know for sure. We might be living in an alternate reality. Nonetheless, I’ve had some mild triggers today. I didn’t panic, but I set about to established some facts and not […]
  • Plans change.
    Plans change. I make good ones. It falls apart. Meh. People can really silly sometimes. Silly is the nice way of putting it. Trying to fix problems seems to cause more. But, that doesn’t […]
  • Am I getting good advice?
    Is advice good? That was what my wife and I discussed on our walk today. Well, part of our walk, before she got quickly annoyed. I told her I was happy I had realized […]
  • It’s time to “take back the narrative” of my life.
    I’ve given up too much control of my life to others. Ironically, even when I’ve found myself to be (or told that I am) controlling, I’m aware it’s coming from another, external, location. A […]
  • Will people pay me to keep away? (Creating my own new world.)
    I’ve never wanted to crowdsource, as it feels wrong, for some reason. Well, the reason is, I don’t think what I do is worth anything. For years, I thought it was because of society, […]
  • My autistic friend doesn’t know I defended him.
    It was at least five years ago, probably seven, since everything feels two years off due to the pandemic. I was in the office of where I used to work, and somehow a conversation […]
  • A New Hope (“It’s what I do.”)
    I can get stuck, fixated, obsessed. It’s an autism thing, for sure. That can be bad. But, it can also be good. Ask Luke Skywalker (from Star Wars). He never gave up hope. And, […]
  • Why am I not supposed to trust the people who are nice to me?
    For some reason, I kept getting told not to trust the people who treated me well. Why is that? After years and enough stress, it made me start to really worry. And, in the […]
  • Things are not always what they seem.
    Trying to fit in to neurotypical world is hard enough, but figuring out how to communicate nuances is nearly impossible. I think it leads to mixed metaphors, failed attempts at humor, and even an […]
  • I’ve waited 50 years for something that no longer will happen.
    NOTE: One moment . . . of one day . . . I keep going. So, KEEP READING. OR STOP. See where I end up. This is not the end of the story, I […]
  • I don’t need a savior, but I do require some support.
    One of the greatest, most hurtful, and pervasive of all the ironies in human nature can be summed up by Gandhi: “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are […]
  • The truth will set you free.
    Sometimes, you just have to ask for it. Otherwise, you’ll never know what you are missing. I’ve been wrong so many times in my life, and that’s fine. But, staying wrong—especially when it’s hurting […]
  • Is my wife FINALLY getting it? (Am I the only autistic one?)
    It’s hard to criticize my wife. I mean, she does live with me, and that should suck for anyone. But, she is gladly married to me. I sometimes think she has a blind adoration […]
  • I always thought I understood people, but now I realize it was just them letting me think I did.
    For a long time, I thought I understood people well. I think I do pick up on when people are upset, though I don’t even know that any more. What I’ve learned is how […]
  • The gift of raccoons.
    A woman at my previous job sent me a raccoon (not a real one!) in the mail after I left. I have no idea what that meant. Was she trying to be kind or […]
  • Some want justice, some want revenge. I want a relationship.
    Both of my brothers literally wrote my father off by sending him a letter. One of them pointed out to my father that he wanted justice, my other brother wanted revenge, but I wanted […]
  • A life of double-standards? It certainly feels that way.
    Autism is likely the culprit for the following double-standards to exist, or, at a minimum, be perceived to exist, in my life. It also could be due to past trauma or just to the […]
  • ”At least you know at the end of each day if you’ve completed your goal!”
    WARNING: If this is triggering for you, or someone that you know needs help, stop reading immediately and find appropriate resources to help. Some of these are listed at the end of my post […]
  • Autistics are not always wrong. Sometimes, we are way ahead of you.
    People don’t trust us. That is their biggest mistake. Then, we don’t trust them or anyone, and all of our abilities may be squandered or suppressed. I’m doing my best to find ways to […]
  • Maybe I have a “Hail, Mary” plan I can try.
    My wife, for some reason, loves me. I never understood. Well, maybe at some point it made sense. That was before life got too complicated, not her fault nor mine. Still, you don’t know […]
  • Why couldn’t people just leave me and my friend alone?
    I haven’t finished a very long post on how others trick me into thinking my friends don’t like me. Maybe I never will. At this point, why does it even matter? It seems like […]
  • Sometimes I just need a small reminder or little encouragement.
    It’s been a really rough day. But, it’s OK now. I just needed some support, and I got it from someone. Then, that gave me the ability to do some more things that were […]
  • I think the Magnificat was also for the “other” Mary.
    She just never figured it out. Neither did most people. It’s too hard of a sell, and you have to sell! Besides, the other Mary is in the way of, you know, the one […]
  • I asked for bread, but you gave me a stone. How to efficiently make someone’s life worse.
    “Is there anyone among you who, if your child asked for bread, would give a stone? Or if the child asked for a fish, would give a snake? If you, then, who are evil, […]
  • The pen of love is mightier than the sword of hate. Besides, I’m a pacifist.
    I’m not a martyr. Not wanting to kill a person doesn’t make you a martyr. It just means you live be a different moral code than the people who are abusing you. But, I […]
  • How to help a suicidal person want to die more, in two easy steps.
    When they come to you for help, ignore them. If they don’t get the message you don’t care, make sure to treat them horribly, so they don’t attack you, since they “obviously” (sarcasm) are […]
  • Dear People in My Universe
    Dear people in my universe, If you think I don’t like you, the odds are you are mistaken. I tend to like people more than they like me. If you think I’m blaming you […]
  • Forget the “kick me” sign. Just give me the “I’ll be your scapegoat if you ask me” banner.
    Need a scapegoat? Just look for your “favorite” autistic (or mentally ill) person. We won’t see it coming, we’ll be happy someone is being friendly, and always think we deserved whatever blame a person […]
  • Let’s do some VERY basic math.
    Scale -3 to +3 JOB No/little JOB People -3 2 $$$ 3 -2 Creativity -1 2 Anxiety -3 -1 Self-worth 2 -3 Good example for kids 2 -1 Executive Functioning -3 1 Physical Stress […]
  • What I needed was not that complicated.
    WHAT I NEEDED at my last job was not that complicated: Some person(s) to help me in certain challenging social situations Everyone else to not get in the way of the person(s) helping me, […]
  • It shouldn’t be this hard to go out to eat.
    One evening with autism . . . Triggers everywhere. My wife and I went out to eat for the first time in a while. We don’t very often, for multiple reasons. But, on a […]
  • I’ve lost the desire to see people, and there is nothing wrong with that.
    Short post. I’m just not sure if I want to see people anymore. It’s better that way for everyone. However, I can connect through the internet, and maybe I can figure out a way […]
  • I should just quit talking to everyone.
    I’m annoying. I know it. And, I don’t like it. Even with some medication to help me focus, I still annoy people. That might be putting it mildly. Yesterday, I was having a great […]
  • I wish I knew how people really felt about me.
    While I’m sure there is never an absolute way to know what another person thinks or feels about you, I wish there were a better way in general. There are some “facts” I could […]
  • A big shift in my thinking? I certainly hope so.
    I don’t have time to explain right now, but I’m focusing on good things. I’ve been trying to, but for so long, my guilt has drawn me away. Now, however, it has become obvious […]
  • Rejecting me is also rejecting my children.
    If you reject an autistic person with autistic children, that rejection will affect the kids. Think about it before you make that choice, and make sure you understand what you are _actually_doing to harm other people.
  • Early considerations for the new year. Do I really need therapy, medications, friends, a job, family?
    It’s 2023, and I have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it’s especially unsettling for me, my autistic brain not being able to process things very […]
  • ”Liking a football team is usually considered normal.”
    In response to my special-interest comment about football, two of my children responded in ways I found insightful and clever. The first said to me, “You are unlucky because you have special interests most people don’t want to talk about.” The second stated that, “Liking a football team is usually considered normal. Enjoying talking about autism is not usually considered normal.”
  • Losing a friend you thought understood you is not easy.
    Losing a friend you thought understood you is not easy. It’s especially difficult when you conclude you lost the friend because she actually did understand you, and you became that annoying, uncaring person you have been trying for your entire life not to be.
  • A quick preview for the long close of the year.
    I’ve survived Christmas! New Year’s is easy as I’m back home. My children are all here, as is my wife. The dogs are well. It’s a moment of tranquility to end the year. That […]
  • This journal is a process, and I have so much to process.
    These are not problems for just autistic brains. The ability for the brain to process information can be greatly affected by ADHD, trauma, and many other disorders and factors. The lack of sleep and stress make processing more difficult and paranoia more likely.
  • The shortest day of the year. (My dog is cool.)
    Today is the shortest day of the year! I feel rather energized and happy, and that’s because I’ve been spending hours working on a major project that has excited me. Furthermore, for many years, […]
  • My children are my raison d’être.
    When it comes to my children, I’m grateful to have them, but I sometimes feel guilty that they got me as a father. I also don’t want them to be the only reason I’m alive because that puts too much pressure on everyone.
  • Do people even care? Autism and Suicide.
    For much of my life, I’ve wondered if people cared if I’m alive or would be that upset if I died.
  • When the highlight of your week is getting shots.
    That tiny amount of physical contact, even though it’s accompanied by a sharp object being forced into my body, makes me feel connected to another person.
  • Here’s how my days often begin.
    I wake up in the morning feeling good, with a lot of energy. Last night, I tried to get to bed at a better time. Every few days, I try to recalibrate my thinking […]

One response to “My Autistic Journal”

  1. Autistic Journal-er, your blog will soon be added to our Actually Autistic Blogs List ( Please click here (or on the “How do you want your blog listed?” link at the top of that site) to customize your blog’s description on the list (or to decline).

    Also, would you be willing to add the Actually Autistic Blogs List ( to your Resources page? It is a comprehensive list of blogs by Actually Autistic bloggers.

    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

    Liked by 1 person

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Warning: the contents of some of the articles in this blog could be upsetting for some people to read. They represent the thoughts of one person at one moment in time and do not represent the whole of that person or any other. This is not the time to get too focused on details! Don’t apply any information here indiscriminately to your own life when it may not even apply. If reading any article on this blog (or anywhere else) causes you anxiety, stop reading immediately and do something more relaxing!

Disclaimer: these posts are based on my personal experiences involving many people for many years and should not be interpreted as relating to any specific individuals unless specifically mentioned. Furthermore, they are meant to be a positive contribution that helps bring people together.

#ASD, #AUTISM, #ActuallyAutistic

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