Category: Uncategorized
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What am I rebuilding?
I think I’m in a rebuilding phase. Healing had to take place first, after the destruction. Even though I’ve been journalling about both, I’ve not quite figured out what I’m doing. I have some ideas, some dreams still. There are always logistics, and my self-confidence has never been lower. But, I’m not dead, so I…
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How am I still alive?
WARNING: If this is triggering or you, or someone that you know needs help, visit the resources listed at the end of this post. These are the following categories that give me a higher risk for suicide. The worst part is how much of this has been caused directly or indirectly by others, either by…
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I’m above average! (Life expectancy and autism.)
The statistics on life expectancy and autism are sobering, assuming you believe living longer is better, with all other variables considered as well. From Amy Marschall’s article on verywellmind.com Autistic people have significantly lower life expectancies than the rest of the population. In 2022, the average global life expectancy is approximately 72 years old. For…
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Is it paranoia if it’s true?
Paranoia can be present in autism, and, if for no other reason, past negative experiences with other humans tend to make one skeptical of what is going on. In some ways, I think autistics are “walking on eggshells” around everyone else. When people say you are paranoid, but then you can prove you are right,…
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Here they are! My self-imposed deadlines. (Week of March 6, 2023)
This journal is not the only thing I’m working on, but here are some deadlines specific to it. Today is March 6, 2023. Here are my deadlines for myself for this week. This is plenty. Time to get at it. Can I do it? What do you think? For this journal: Deadline Task Completed? March…
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Hey, I got out of bed!
Saved by the dogs, again. Plus, I was hungry. I’m trying to get a YouTube channel going, though I have no content. There are too many things “in the works,” and that is low on the list. I need to put more up for my podcast, as in more than one episode. I try to…
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I have all the reasons in the world to hate myself.
I’m riding in a car. My wife is driving. There are many posts I’m working on. Some are timely; many were timely some time ago. Should I still post them? Probably. My life is out of sequence anyway. I don’t want the journal to be negative. But, the autistic experience is largely that way, and…
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Am I over “burnout”? I’ve been taking some “tests.”
My brain feels much better than it has in a long time. When I say, “feels,” I mean that literally as well as its ability to function. How am I testing to see? For one, I’m not planning anything, per se, but I’m going along with whatever comes up. Today, for, example, I’m meeting briefly…
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I am SO bad at communication in some ways.
Yeah. I just suck. Yep. No doubt. I have no clue. Truly. No idea. I should just say that over and over all day. It would make more sense than what I normally say, apparently. Things “come out” wrong, backwards. I try to compliment, and it is viewed as an insult, or vice-versa. I try…
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A New Hope (Part 2)
(If you don’t know anything of Star Wars, this post won’t make any sense.) I forgot about Sithius and any apprentices. Oops. Did Luke give up on Sithius? I guess he did. Vader had to rescue Luke in the end, to rescue himself. It’s not one-way. That’s the problem. So, it’s fine. It’s not a…
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I don’t need ten opinions. I just need the right advice.
I’m tired of too much unsolicited advice. I used to ignore it, to some degree, but it got stuck in my head over time. Now, I’m trying to completely ignore it, though somehow, it keeps showing up. Instead of getting stuck and making a mistake like I did in the past, I’m just going to…
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I can reject the rejection!
People have rejected me. That sucks. But, I can reject that. If they treated me that way, I don’t guess I ever needed them. I don’t like the pain, the guilt, the anxiety it has caused. But, I can move past it. I hate any that has been caused them, but if they can’t forgive…
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Why can’t people just leave me alone?
It doesn’t seem to matter. Whether I’m trying to help people or they are trying to help me, something goes wrong. I could blame ASD, but maybe I’m just especially idiotic flavor of autistic. Or, it’s also ADHD, etc. It could be. I don’t really care. I just want people to let me do what…
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Here is how I know my brain is better.
Well, I can’t know for sure. We might be living in an alternate reality. Nonetheless, I’ve had some mild triggers today. I didn’t panic, but I set about to established some facts and not jump to conclusions. It’s easy to catastrophize, especially when the past has not always worked out well. A tiny problem can…
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Plans change.
Plans change. I make good ones. It falls apart. Meh. People can really silly sometimes. Silly is the nice way of putting it. Trying to fix problems seems to cause more. But, that doesn’t mean I have to change all my plans. This blog, for example, is separate from anything else, I think, even though…
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Am I getting good advice?
Is advice good? That was what my wife and I discussed on our walk today. Well, part of our walk, before she got quickly annoyed. I told her I was happy I had realized that many people have probably given me good advice, but it was not all the same, so it confused me. It…
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Why am I not supposed to trust the people who are nice to me?
For some reason, I kept getting told not to trust the people who treated me well. Why is that? After years and enough stress, it made me start to really worry. And, in the case of my one friend, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I literally was asking multiple therapists,…
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Things are not always what they seem.
Trying to fit in to neurotypical world is hard enough, but figuring out how to communicate nuances is nearly impossible. I think it leads to mixed metaphors, failed attempts at humor, and even an occasional paradoxical satire, the likes of which ends up confusing everyone, including the autistic satirist. Is that an autirist? New definition:…
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I’ve waited 50 years for something that no longer will happen.
NOTE: One moment . . . of one day . . . I keep going. So, KEEP READING. OR STOP. See where I end up. This is not the end of the story, I don’t think. Not ALL days will be good. There’s not a lot in my life now. I’ve been trying for a…
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The truth will set you free.
Sometimes, you just have to ask for it. Otherwise, you’ll never know what you are missing. I’ve been wrong so many times in my life, and that’s fine. But, staying wrong—especially when it’s hurting you or someone else—is not fine. During my period of autistic burnout, my ability to trust my intuition was severely hampered.…
My Autistic Journal 