Category: Relationships
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March 29, 2022: the destruction of my family.
It has been one year, to the day. There is something about a year’s time. My mother was visiting us this weekend. I’d already been outlining this post, without her knowledge, when she said, “You know, it’s almost been precisely a year . . .” I told her I’d been thinking about it. It was,…
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The moment your life makes no sense – again.
Autism: every day is a great opportunity to discover ways your life seems completely backwards, no matter how hard and how long you’ve tried. Autism: it’s safer being alone. It just is. People can still be mean, but, at least you don’t have to look at them (not that you really ever would the right…
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New (old) “friends”
They may be a generation older or younger, but I have some new “friends.”My wife has helped with that – they are our friends. Part of me wants to resist, but I’ve accepted nobody my age wants to do anything with me other than my wife and my siblings. That’s fine. Why complicate things? I…
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Will people pay me to keep away? (Creating my own new world.)
I’ve never wanted to crowdsource, as it feels wrong, for some reason. Well, the reason is, I don’t think what I do is worth anything. For years, I thought it was because of society, but I think it’s more because of my parents, especially my father. Moreover, the younger generations have a different attitude towards…
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My autistic friend doesn’t know I defended him.
It was at least five years ago, probably seven, since everything feels two years off due to the pandemic. I was in the office of where I used to work, and somehow a conversation came up about my autistic friend. Being my friend or not was irrelevant. It was his autism that was under attack,…
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Is my wife FINALLY getting it? (Am I the only autistic one?)
It’s hard to criticize my wife. I mean, she does live with me, and that should suck for anyone. But, she is gladly married to me. I sometimes think she has a blind adoration for me, and it confuses her when I am upset. She has what I call Pollyanna syndrome, not an official diagnosis…
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”At least you know at the end of each day if you’ve completed your goal!”
WARNING: If this is triggering for you, or someone that you know needs help, stop reading immediately and find appropriate resources to help. Some of these are listed at the end of my post on autism and suicide. At times, I’ve told people, “my only goal in life was to not kill myself.” That is…
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It shouldn’t be this hard to go out to eat.
One evening with autism . . . Triggers everywhere. My wife and I went out to eat for the first time in a while. We don’t very often, for multiple reasons. But, on a Monday night, it wasn’t too crowded. Still, there were a bunch of “triggers” along the way. By a trigger, I’m referring…
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I’ve lost the desire to see people, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Short post. I’m just not sure if I want to see people anymore. It’s better that way for everyone. However, I can connect through the internet, and maybe I can figure out a way to be useful that way, even with my special interest. I can randomly text some people if I need some mental…
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I should just quit talking to everyone.
I’m annoying. I know it. And, I don’t like it. Even with some medication to help me focus, I still annoy people. That might be putting it mildly. Yesterday, I was having a great day, feeling good about life, my family, my purpose. I told my autism therapist that in the morning. But, the feeling…
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I wish I knew how people really felt about me.
While I’m sure there is never an absolute way to know what another person thinks or feels about you, I wish there were a better way in general. There are some “facts” I could establish, such as what they say or do, but those can be variable based on context, frequency, and benefit to the…
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Early considerations for the new year. Do I really need therapy, medications, friends, a job, family?
It’s 2023, and I have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it’s especially unsettling for me, my autistic brain not being able to process things very well or quickly. Most people would have moved on by now. It’s not something I can do just reading a positive…
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”Liking a football team is usually considered normal.”
In response to my special-interest comment about football, two of my children responded in ways I found insightful and clever. The first said to me, “You are unlucky because you have special interests most people don’t want to talk about.” The second stated that, “Liking a football team is usually considered normal. Enjoying talking about…
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Losing a friend you thought understood you is not easy.
Losing a friend you thought understood you is not easy. It’s especially difficult when you conclude you lost the friend because she actually did understand you, and you became that annoying, uncaring person you have been trying for your entire life not to be.
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When the highlight of your week is getting shots.
That tiny amount of physical contact, even though it’s accompanied by a sharp object being forced into my body, makes me feel connected to another person.
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Here’s how my days often have ended this year.
It’s 4am. My day, in many ways, was not terrible, but I’ve been crying off and on for the past eight hours. Not a lot, but just always at the surface. If I get around to it, I’m going to transcribe a recording I made yesterday of myself talking in the car, on the way…
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It’s not my job to fix everything or everyone.
I think this will be one of my shorter posts. It’s not my job to fix everything or everyone. That’s it! I’m a work in progress, so I’ll mess up. Please be patient with your autistic family and friends. Thank you.
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I don’t understand means I don’t understand.
For some reason, the more I tell people I am confused or don’t understand, the less they believe me. Do they think I’m using that as an excuse? Maybe it’s the way I say it. Additionally, when they push back from that, I want to correct them. In other words, I just get more confused…
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”Letting go” may not be a trivial saying after all.
The idea of “letting go” is present in most religions, philosophies, spiritual activities, mental and physical disciplines, and stories from galaxies far, far away. It can be expressed as “dying to self,” “slipping away into water,” “doing not trying,” and many other phrases that can come off to me as somewhat naive and trite in…
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It’s a good day when someone acknowledges my struggles.
While it was brief, somewhat in passing, and part of a much longer and substantial conversation, recently someone acknowledged that I had more physical and mental health challenges than most people. Furthermore, he acknowledged that I’d been working on doing the best I could with them for many years. It’s not like I’m looking for…
My Autistic Journal 