Category: Autism
-
168,630 (carpe numerum)
168,630 is the number of words I’ve written so far for this journal. The number of pages is 683. I’ve only published about half of them, and some of them will never be published. Still, that’s a lot! I can’t say I’ve done nothing this year. When I looked back over what I did at…
-
Am I getting caught in the middle, again?
Unfortunately, I can easily get caught between individuals or groups of people. Recently, someone told me to, “put on your big boy pants.” While I think she meant well, as a way to encourage me to stand up for myself, it is an odd and rather condescending phrase I don’t hear often. I think it’s…
-
The moment your life makes no sense – again.
Autism: every day is a great opportunity to discover ways your life seems completely backwards, no matter how hard and how long you’ve tried. Autism: it’s safer being alone. It just is. People can still be mean, but, at least you don’t have to look at them (not that you really ever would the right…
-
New (old) “friends”
They may be a generation older or younger, but I have some new “friends.”My wife has helped with that – they are our friends. Part of me wants to resist, but I’ve accepted nobody my age wants to do anything with me other than my wife and my siblings. That’s fine. Why complicate things? I…
-
Let’s do some VERY basic math. (Take 2)
March 7, 2023 Scale -3 to +3 JOB No/little JOB People -3 2 $$$ 3 -3 Creativity 2 2 Anxiety -3 -1 Self-worth 2 -3 Good example for kids 2 -2 Executive Functioning -2 1 Physical Stress -1 3 Happiness 2 -2 Special Interest 1 2 I upset other people Chance to be bullied -1…
-
Let down by others, or letting others down?
I may not get out of bed today, at least not until the dogs make me. What’s the point? Seriously. My life, in most ways, is pointless. I believe I have proof. Honestly, life itself seems pointless. It always has, in many ways. What are humans supposed to do, conquer the universe? No, wait. It’s…
-
Escaping the reality of now
Imaginary friends are the best ones. They don’t abandon you, mistreat you, or take advantage of you. They don’t promise friendship knowing it won’t last, just for whatever short-term gain they have in mind. Imaginary friends won’t ruin your life just so they don’t have to be slightly embarrassed for their mistakes. Imaginary friends are…
-
Will people pay me to keep away? (Creating my own new world.)
I’ve never wanted to crowdsource, as it feels wrong, for some reason. Well, the reason is, I don’t think what I do is worth anything. For years, I thought it was because of society, but I think it’s more because of my parents, especially my father. Moreover, the younger generations have a different attitude towards…
-
My autistic friend doesn’t know I defended him.
It was at least five years ago, probably seven, since everything feels two years off due to the pandemic. I was in the office of where I used to work, and somehow a conversation came up about my autistic friend. Being my friend or not was irrelevant. It was his autism that was under attack,…
-
I don’t need a savior, but I do require some support.
One of the greatest, most hurtful, and pervasive of all the ironies in human nature can be summed up by Gandhi: “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” The problem with recognizing that is how frightening it makes the world become. And, in doing so,…
-
Is my wife FINALLY getting it? (Am I the only autistic one?)
It’s hard to criticize my wife. I mean, she does live with me, and that should suck for anyone. But, she is gladly married to me. I sometimes think she has a blind adoration for me, and it confuses her when I am upset. She has what I call Pollyanna syndrome, not an official diagnosis…
-
Some want justice, some want revenge. I want a relationship.
Both of my brothers literally wrote my father off by sending him a letter. One of them pointed out to my father that he wanted justice, my other brother wanted revenge, but I wanted a relationship. That was true, but I was also protecting my sister. My father refused to reach out to my brothers…
-
”At least you know at the end of each day if you’ve completed your goal!”
WARNING: If this is triggering for you, or someone that you know needs help, stop reading immediately and find appropriate resources to help. Some of these are listed at the end of my post on autism and suicide. At times, I’ve told people, “my only goal in life was to not kill myself.” That is…
-
Autistics are not always wrong. Sometimes, we are way ahead of you.
People don’t trust us. That is their biggest mistake. Then, we don’t trust them or anyone, and all of our abilities may be squandered or suppressed. I’m doing my best to find ways to not let that happen to me, but I have too much PTSD from people to do it conventionally. This is true,…
-
I think the Magnificat was also for the “other” Mary.
She just never figured it out. Neither did most people. It’s too hard of a sell, and you have to sell! Besides, the other Mary is in the way of, you know, the one who did everything “right” and didn’t cause any trouble, kind of like my wife. For them, the institution is more important…
-
Forget the “kick me” sign. Just give me the “I’ll be your scapegoat if you ask me” banner.
Need a scapegoat? Just look for your “favorite” autistic (or mentally ill) person. We won’t see it coming, we’ll be happy someone is being friendly, and always think we deserved whatever blame a person puts on us. We will obsess endlessly over what went wrong, and, when we think we’ve figured it out, we will…
-
Let’s do some VERY basic math.
Scale -3 to +3 JOB No/little JOB People -3 2 $$$ 3 -2 Creativity -1 2 Anxiety -3 -1 Self-worth 2 -3 Good example for kids 2 -1 Executive Functioning -3 1 Physical Stress -3 3 Happiness -1 -2 Special Interest 1 2 I upset other people -3 1 TOTAL -9 2 It’s not like…
-
What I needed was not that complicated.
WHAT I NEEDED at my last job was not that complicated: Some person(s) to help me in certain challenging social situations Everyone else to not get in the way of the person(s) helping me, even when they didn’t understand what was going on. THAT WAS ALL! HOWEVER, The person(s) who really should have been helping…
-
It shouldn’t be this hard to go out to eat.
One evening with autism . . . Triggers everywhere. My wife and I went out to eat for the first time in a while. We don’t very often, for multiple reasons. But, on a Monday night, it wasn’t too crowded. Still, there were a bunch of “triggers” along the way. By a trigger, I’m referring…
-
I’ve lost the desire to see people, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Short post. I’m just not sure if I want to see people anymore. It’s better that way for everyone. However, I can connect through the internet, and maybe I can figure out a way to be useful that way, even with my special interest. I can randomly text some people if I need some mental…
My Autistic Journal 