Category: Actually Autistic
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A big day?
Today is important. It’s also frightening. Big days are like that. But, is this a “big” day? That’s the curiosity, as there is no way to know for sure. Actually, the question might be in what way is it – or will it be – significant? It’s difficult to comprehend that I’ll be back doing…
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Just passing through: time to be more Stoic.
I’m now trying to imagine myself just passing through from place to place. That is, after all, what life is, passing through time. Of course, there is more, but it’s all just an illusion to help us make it from point to point. Illusions aren’t bad or good. They just are there. If a door…
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The moment your life makes no sense – again.
Autism: every day is a great opportunity to discover ways your life seems completely backwards, no matter how hard and how long you’ve tried. Autism: it’s safer being alone. It just is. People can still be mean, but, at least you don’t have to look at them (not that you really ever would the right…
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New (old) “friends”
They may be a generation older or younger, but I have some new “friends.”My wife has helped with that – they are our friends. Part of me wants to resist, but I’ve accepted nobody my age wants to do anything with me other than my wife and my siblings. That’s fine. Why complicate things? I…
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Let down by others, or letting others down?
I may not get out of bed today, at least not until the dogs make me. What’s the point? Seriously. My life, in most ways, is pointless. I believe I have proof. Honestly, life itself seems pointless. It always has, in many ways. What are humans supposed to do, conquer the universe? No, wait. It’s…
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Will people pay me to keep away? (Creating my own new world.)
I’ve never wanted to crowdsource, as it feels wrong, for some reason. Well, the reason is, I don’t think what I do is worth anything. For years, I thought it was because of society, but I think it’s more because of my parents, especially my father. Moreover, the younger generations have a different attitude towards…
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A New Hope (“It’s what I do.”)
I can get stuck, fixated, obsessed. It’s an autism thing, for sure. That can be bad. But, it can also be good. Ask Luke Skywalker (from Star Wars). He never gave up hope. And, when it was lost, he kept going. Again. And, then later, yet again. Until the end. He was foolish, reckless, a…
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I don’t need a savior, but I do require some support.
One of the greatest, most hurtful, and pervasive of all the ironies in human nature can be summed up by Gandhi: “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” The problem with recognizing that is how frightening it makes the world become. And, in doing so,…
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Is my wife FINALLY getting it? (Am I the only autistic one?)
It’s hard to criticize my wife. I mean, she does live with me, and that should suck for anyone. But, she is gladly married to me. I sometimes think she has a blind adoration for me, and it confuses her when I am upset. She has what I call Pollyanna syndrome, not an official diagnosis…
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The gift of raccoons.
A woman at my previous job sent me a raccoon (not a real one!) in the mail after I left. I have no idea what that meant. Was she trying to be kind or mean? Did sending me a message of hope or fear? Had she remembered I liked raccoons? Was this a way to…
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Some want justice, some want revenge. I want a relationship.
Both of my brothers literally wrote my father off by sending him a letter. One of them pointed out to my father that he wanted justice, my other brother wanted revenge, but I wanted a relationship. That was true, but I was also protecting my sister. My father refused to reach out to my brothers…
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Autistics are not always wrong. Sometimes, we are way ahead of you.
People don’t trust us. That is their biggest mistake. Then, we don’t trust them or anyone, and all of our abilities may be squandered or suppressed. I’m doing my best to find ways to not let that happen to me, but I have too much PTSD from people to do it conventionally. This is true,…
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I think the Magnificat was also for the “other” Mary.
She just never figured it out. Neither did most people. It’s too hard of a sell, and you have to sell! Besides, the other Mary is in the way of, you know, the one who did everything “right” and didn’t cause any trouble, kind of like my wife. For them, the institution is more important…
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I’ve lost the desire to see people, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Short post. I’m just not sure if I want to see people anymore. It’s better that way for everyone. However, I can connect through the internet, and maybe I can figure out a way to be useful that way, even with my special interest. I can randomly text some people if I need some mental…
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I should just quit talking to everyone.
I’m annoying. I know it. And, I don’t like it. Even with some medication to help me focus, I still annoy people. That might be putting it mildly. Yesterday, I was having a great day, feeling good about life, my family, my purpose. I told my autism therapist that in the morning. But, the feeling…
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I wish I knew how people really felt about me.
While I’m sure there is never an absolute way to know what another person thinks or feels about you, I wish there were a better way in general. There are some “facts” I could establish, such as what they say or do, but those can be variable based on context, frequency, and benefit to the…
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Early considerations for the new year. Do I really need therapy, medications, friends, a job, family?
It’s 2023, and I have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it’s especially unsettling for me, my autistic brain not being able to process things very well or quickly. Most people would have moved on by now. It’s not something I can do just reading a positive…
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”Liking a football team is usually considered normal.”
In response to my special-interest comment about football, two of my children responded in ways I found insightful and clever. The first said to me, “You are unlucky because you have special interests most people don’t want to talk about.” The second stated that, “Liking a football team is usually considered normal. Enjoying talking about…
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The shortest day of the year. (My dog is cool.)
Today is the shortest day of the year! I feel rather energized and happy, and that’s because I’ve been spending hours working on a major project that has excited me. Furthermore, for many years, this has been a stressful time at my previous job, but that’s not an issue now. Finally, my family situation—siblings and…
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My children are my raison d’être.
When it comes to my children, I’m grateful to have them, but I sometimes feel guilty that they got me as a father. I also don’t want them to be the only reason I’m alive because that puts too much pressure on everyone.
My Autistic Journal 