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People who don’t actually like you don’t like being treated like they do. (Being awkward.)
“It’s just awkward.” I’ve heard that before. I think it’s the polite way to tell me what I’ve done is not fine, but the intent is not being questioned. Autism=awkward. And, people don’t like awkward. It makes them feel awkward. And, awkward is uncomfortable, and comfort is the preferable state for most humans, at least…
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I have all the reasons in the world to hate myself.
I’m riding in a car. My wife is driving. There are many posts I’m working on. Some are timely; many were timely some time ago. Should I still post them? Probably. My life is out of sequence anyway. I don’t want the journal to be negative. But, the autistic experience is largely that way, and…
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Escaping the reality of now
Imaginary friends are the best ones. They don’t abandon you, mistreat you, or take advantage of you. They don’t promise friendship knowing it won’t last, just for whatever short-term gain they have in mind. Imaginary friends won’t ruin your life just so they don’t have to be slightly embarrassed for their mistakes. Imaginary friends are…
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Am I over “burnout”? I’ve been taking some “tests.”
My brain feels much better than it has in a long time. When I say, “feels,” I mean that literally as well as its ability to function. How am I testing to see? For one, I’m not planning anything, per se, but I’m going along with whatever comes up. Today, for, example, I’m meeting briefly…
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I am SO bad at communication in some ways.
Yeah. I just suck. Yep. No doubt. I have no clue. Truly. No idea. I should just say that over and over all day. It would make more sense than what I normally say, apparently. Things “come out” wrong, backwards. I try to compliment, and it is viewed as an insult, or vice-versa. I try…
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A New Hope (Part 2)
(If you don’t know anything of Star Wars, this post won’t make any sense.) I forgot about Sithius and any apprentices. Oops. Did Luke give up on Sithius? I guess he did. Vader had to rescue Luke in the end, to rescue himself. It’s not one-way. That’s the problem. So, it’s fine. It’s not a…
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I don’t need ten opinions. I just need the right advice.
I’m tired of too much unsolicited advice. I used to ignore it, to some degree, but it got stuck in my head over time. Now, I’m trying to completely ignore it, though somehow, it keeps showing up. Instead of getting stuck and making a mistake like I did in the past, I’m just going to…
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I can reject the rejection!
People have rejected me. That sucks. But, I can reject that. If they treated me that way, I don’t guess I ever needed them. I don’t like the pain, the guilt, the anxiety it has caused. But, I can move past it. I hate any that has been caused them, but if they can’t forgive…
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Why can’t people just leave me alone?
It doesn’t seem to matter. Whether I’m trying to help people or they are trying to help me, something goes wrong. I could blame ASD, but maybe I’m just especially idiotic flavor of autistic. Or, it’s also ADHD, etc. It could be. I don’t really care. I just want people to let me do what…
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Here is how I know my brain is better.
Well, I can’t know for sure. We might be living in an alternate reality. Nonetheless, I’ve had some mild triggers today. I didn’t panic, but I set about to established some facts and not jump to conclusions. It’s easy to catastrophize, especially when the past has not always worked out well. A tiny problem can…
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Plans change.
Plans change. I make good ones. It falls apart. Meh. People can really silly sometimes. Silly is the nice way of putting it. Trying to fix problems seems to cause more. But, that doesn’t mean I have to change all my plans. This blog, for example, is separate from anything else, I think, even though…
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Am I getting good advice?
Is advice good? That was what my wife and I discussed on our walk today. Well, part of our walk, before she got quickly annoyed. I told her I was happy I had realized that many people have probably given me good advice, but it was not all the same, so it confused me. It…
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It’s time to “take back the narrative” of my life.
I’ve given up too much control of my life to others. Ironically, even when I’ve found myself to be (or told that I am) controlling, I’m aware it’s coming from another, external, location. A person can be a conduit, not the source of something negative (or positive), and I think I’ve been a conduit many…
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Will people pay me to keep away? (Creating my own new world.)
I’ve never wanted to crowdsource, as it feels wrong, for some reason. Well, the reason is, I don’t think what I do is worth anything. For years, I thought it was because of society, but I think it’s more because of my parents, especially my father. Moreover, the younger generations have a different attitude towards…
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My autistic friend doesn’t know I defended him.
It was at least five years ago, probably seven, since everything feels two years off due to the pandemic. I was in the office of where I used to work, and somehow a conversation came up about my autistic friend. Being my friend or not was irrelevant. It was his autism that was under attack,…
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A New Hope (“It’s what I do.”)
I can get stuck, fixated, obsessed. It’s an autism thing, for sure. That can be bad. But, it can also be good. Ask Luke Skywalker (from Star Wars). He never gave up hope. And, when it was lost, he kept going. Again. And, then later, yet again. Until the end. He was foolish, reckless, a…
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Why am I not supposed to trust the people who are nice to me?
For some reason, I kept getting told not to trust the people who treated me well. Why is that? After years and enough stress, it made me start to really worry. And, in the case of my one friend, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I literally was asking multiple therapists,…
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Things are not always what they seem.
Trying to fit in to neurotypical world is hard enough, but figuring out how to communicate nuances is nearly impossible. I think it leads to mixed metaphors, failed attempts at humor, and even an occasional paradoxical satire, the likes of which ends up confusing everyone, including the autistic satirist. Is that an autirist? New definition:…
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I’ve waited 50 years for something that no longer will happen.
NOTE: One moment . . . of one day . . . I keep going. So, KEEP READING. OR STOP. See where I end up. This is not the end of the story, I don’t think. Not ALL days will be good. There’s not a lot in my life now. I’ve been trying for a…
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I don’t need a savior, but I do require some support.
One of the greatest, most hurtful, and pervasive of all the ironies in human nature can be summed up by Gandhi: “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” The problem with recognizing that is how frightening it makes the world become. And, in doing so,…