It was delusional while it lasted.

I need help. It’s that simple. People can doubt me, ignore me, gaslight me, or whatever they want, but I can’t survive on my own. It’s too hard going in places, but I also hate being alone.

My wife, in response to my asking her for more understanding has decided to go the other way. I have a fear she’s waiting a couple of years before she will suddenly leave me. And, I can’t be on my own.

I try. I get excited and think I can do it. I don’t need help! Look at me!

But, it’s not reality.

Sadly, the person who least understands is the closest one to me.

It’s not been a bad day. Tomorrow will probably be my fine, but I’m so sad and lonely now. Plus, my son is home alone while my wife is gone with a friend for the weekend. I know, that’s both her right and something she needs. However, that doesn’t make it easier on me. It especially hurts me when my feelings and expressed needs are minimized or ignored.

All that has happened is my wife has come up with new ways to say she doesn’t care. I don’t know how much of that I can take.

There is nobody around me regularly who understands me other than a couple of my children, and I certainly don’t want them to be responsible for me.

I’m too physically and mentally challenged to make more friends. I don’t have the energy or support to keep on with this job. That’s sad, because it’s been much fun. The logistics are too hard, the hardest of any job I’ve had! What was I thinking?

Somehow, I will have to attempt to earn money from home. I feel guilty doing that.

My sadness is compounded by the fact I know there are people who do understand me, but those are the ones who least want to be around me. That’s a good indication of what people really think about me. It’s back to the, “great guy, but stay away” mentality.

I’m nervous our marriage therapy is ending. It has been good for part of the past three years, but it’s unraveled. Having my wife constantly lie to the therapist right in front of me is not fun. The therapist has been gaslighting me, and my wife has gone from ignoring my discussions on autism to trusting random people she has met in an online group.

I’m not delusional. I have proof. They just don’t know. They would lie anyway. It’s all a game now.

Hopefully, I’ll feel better in the morning.

Three weeks of work have about killed me. I have a little break now, thankfully before another stint. I don’t want to let down these people, but I simply don’t have the energy. I also feel guilty my son is alone tonight. My wife has been clear she won’t sacrifice any of her happiness for others. It’s her new motto. It’s sick, but it’s why she loves the people who validate her invalidation of anyone who slows her down.

I’ve really outlived my usefulness. In spite of all my efforts to be “normal,” it doesn’t work. I’ll be maligned soon enough for not just being happy all of the time.

Not being a happy crosses a boundary with my wife!! No kidding! She has made that clear. If I express any unhappy emotion, I’ll being toxic! I guess I can’t help being a bad person, but I know I’ve tried so hard to do the right thing. I can’t help it I feel and sense pain. Have I ever written about how she kills mice?

I’m so lonely right now. If I am at all negative, my wife will accuse me of being toxic. So, I’m back to closing myself off from the entire world, not because I want to, but because I don’t like looking out and seeing everyone telling me to just be happy while they can do things that are hard or impossible for me.

If they knew, would they care? I don’t think so, now from what I have seen.

This week will be interesting. I have to figure out how to navigate our final

marriage counseling session. I’ve learned how gaslighting therapists can be, especially towards my autism. All that has happened in three years is my wife has grown even more convinced everything is my fault. I didn’t need anyone else to confirm that. My wife has changed. Now, she doesn’t even pretend to care. I’m so anxious about the future, even though I thought I didn’t have to be. I no longer can trust my wife, after finally putting together how controlling she has been. It’s curious how she’s manages to isolate me from all the people who pointed that out to me. Hmm. But, they don’t really want me either.

What a strange week. I’ll probably feel great tomorrow, but I can’t handle all of this flux. I don’t have energy to spare. My wife doesn’t either, apparently, even as she’s out saving the world.

If I don’t have a job, she sees me as worthless, but I already felt that way. I hope I can sleep and feel better in the morning. Tomorrow will be another day to fake my way through. I had a couple good days.

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