No. I’m still good.
My last post was about the proof I have that my life is much better than it has been in a long time.
However, as often happens, I wear myself out when I’m happy and focused on what I enjoy. I’ve learned not to worry about these energy fluctuations, but I still try to manage them, especially when I need to. Ideally, I can get on a better schedule, even when I’m alone.
Regarding my present, better state of mind, the missing piece has been confidence in myself. Some would argue that I shouldn’t need encouragement. However, most of my anxiety and lack of self-worth have come from the discouragement, apathy, and unkindness of others. I don’t know how I can regain trust in people without being around people.
Slowly, over time, when enough people consistently offer support, and you have learned how to no longer feel anxious over those who have hurt you, your trust in people can return. I’m still cautious. I still must remember friendly people are not my friends! Nice people are not always good people.
Today, I will be driving to work and staying away from home for a night. I might even go to a social event, though I’m going to get additional information first. I probably won’t go. Caution is always needed with people. Every kind word can be a trap. That is where the proof will go poof! Or, it will be proof I still don’t know what I’m doing. I won’t know until I’ve tried.
I may feel less empathetic than I use to, less emotional. I’ve tried to embrace the, “I don’t care” attitude that seems to be the prevailing wisdom of our times, even though I know it’s a large part of the problems in society. Of course, I can’t live that way entirely, but it might help me balance out my desire to help others based on my feelings alone. Am I now suppressing those feelings or simply letting them pass by or going through a filter? Time will tell, but I feel more at peace than I used to. At least I have these feelings!
“I don’t care” has been applied now to my wife, parents, and others. I didn’t respond to a text from my father, and I’m essentially now ignoring someone from my previous job who is trying to manipulate me yet again. She may not realize it, but she and others, in trying to control me for years, ultimately lost me because of what they did. I don’t care if they accept that or figure it out. I don’t think they would care.
I’m not phased my wife is gone this weekend. She can also set all the boundaries she wants. Why? I don’t care. Caring is what made her create the boundaries, and caring is what she doesn’t want. It’s backwards thinking to me.
Caring too much, too much empathy, those are my problems, even though it makes no sense. If I tell her I don’t understand, she doesn’t care. If she doesn’t understand me, she also doesn’t’ care. So, why should I? That won’t change, sadly. I won’t care about something that clearly cannot change.
If my wife lies to me, I don’t care anymore. Now, I’ll just laugh at how silly it is. I know the truth, and I have proof. It took me a while, like it did with others, but, give an autistic person enough time, and make enough mistakes, even small ones, and they will start to figure it out. I almost feel sorry for her, but that’s what has gotten me stuck for years. It also did with my parents and others. Their lies and manipulations will not cause me to feel bad for them again.
The “bad behavior” of others is not something I need to care about. People don’t need me to defend them for their bad behavior – they need to act better. And, I don’t need people to help me do things I could be doing for myself, unless I actively choose to allow them to. Fine, my wife can make me breakfast, but that is by my choice, not hers.
If you try too hard to do something, and it’s not going well, you are not really trying in the right way. If your concern for a person is misunderstood, then doing more of it probably will worsen it. Why is this so difficult for me?
I’ll be posting sometime about the upcoming final session of marriage counseling. It has been illuminating and crazy at times. Figuring out who my wife is has been key. Accepting she can’t change has been very difficult and frustrating. But, I no longer feel like I am completely helpless without her. She had a big part in creating or worsening problems for decades. I’m uncertain if she believes that, but I don’t know if she can. If you combined Wonder Woman and Polyanna, you’d have my wife. Think about how strange that is.
My wife’s social skills will not be used at my new job. When my autism therapist recently pointed out that my wife’s social skills were high, but her emotional skills were low, it clicked. That is the issue! Right there!
It’s how she can float around through the world, happy and content, yet not notice the suffering of others. It’s insane. And, it’s not going to hurt me anymore, as much as I can help it.
That’s fine. I don’t care anymore. My wife can “fake” her way through life, and I will unmask as I see fit. I’ll borrow her delusional and hyperactive version of “self-care” long enough to not care about what she thinks or feels (or doesn’t feel, typically.) I don’t need her. I may need some help and support, but if she refuses or cannot give it to me, I’ll find it somewhere else. And, this time, she is not going to make that help go poof. I’m happy, and isn’t that all I’m supposed to care about? “Why should I give up any of my happiness for someone else?” is my wife’s stated belief. So, fine, I’ll apply it, especially to her. It’s not like she requires more happiness, and I’m not wasting any more of my energy on her. The one exception would be my kids, but they already know they can’t count on her to understand their emotions. But, she will make us breakfast, and that is nice. Maybe I’d starve without her, but I doubt it.
If I do actually need my wife, I’ll still pretend like I don’t, as it’s easier that way. That is what she claims to want now, to not feel needed. It’s strange, but it’s how it has to be for now, at least. I’ll fake going along with her “perfect world” to counterbalance her belief it exists. I know better. Most people do. I don’t need her permission to follow her example of not caring to pretend like I don’t.
Oh, she texted me. That’s charming. It’s positive! The world is safe, no problems at all! Cool. There is nothing to lose sleep over.
Now, I’m going to go have a great day without requiring anyone’s permission to do so or caring what they think of me.
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