I’m working on a longer post, but these are my thoughts early in the morning as I prepare to leave for a potential new job. I’m only filling in for a while, and I told them I don’t know if I’ll take it. They need someone, and there are not many people around. However, it’s an hour away, and given the amount of energy both my physical needs and autism take, it seems impossible, at least to sustain.
I can probably do it today – if I get there. I’m waiting in between rounds of medication. If my wife went with me, it would help. She used to, for years because she wanted to. Now, she won’t commit to it, part of her “self-care” regiment that, while partly understandable, seems to trump me having a job.
It’s mystifying to me that she is so intent on not helping me that she’d rather work a couple of extra jobs this summer. Our finances are not as good as she had pretended when I left my previous job. We just had an unexpected and partly unnecessary large expense for our dog who died. I don’t think we can sustain borrowing money against our house forever, though my wife acts like everything is fine!
It’s not really fine. I have no purpose to my life, and, for being truly a superhero in so many ways, I don’t understand why she can’t do a few small things when I ask. Maybe that’s the problem. I ask. Additionally, she’s being told by her therapist and others to not help me, and they are completely confused, with no understanding of autism! It’s all backwards and horrible. She doesn’t know what she has done.
But, I love my wife and need her in many ways. So, I may just never work again. Hopefully, I won’t upset her too badly with projects at home. She did make me breakfast, and that is helpful.
I hate driving! And, now, I have to drive an hour. In the morning, I’m very nervous, largely due to how my body works after colon cancer and half a colon removed. It should be OK, but it will always be a concern.
All my energy seems spent on staying alive, but I know I could do the job like I used to have if my wife would simply go with me like she did for so many years. For some reason, she stopped suddenly just when I needed her to go the most. I’ve never figured out why, but everything went downhill from there. Actually, I do know why. She went where she got to do more things, and be more active. That is so frustrating. As busy as she is, she couldn’t go with me for a couple of hours. She had to go where she got to do more. And, I can’t rely on others to help me in the way she could.
It’s such a mixed bag with her. So, here I am, complaining about her yet also grateful to her. Living with a superhero is not easy. They don’t understand when a little help for me could help me work, yet she has to deny that, so she can stay happy helping another person. She promised someone else to do something this morning, so she won’t help me. Her image over my self-worth. That’s the bottom line.
Now, I have to try to fake caring about going to this job, when it’s the last thing I want to do right now. I don’t think I can do this for six weeks.
Oh, did I mention there are people there who are really nice? Really nice people really scare me, as they tend to be really fake, at least many of them. They don’t care about me. I just fill a position, that’s all. That’s all it ever is. I’m not that stupid. That might be why my wife doesn’t want to go with me! She has figured out how fake people are before I have! No, I doubt it. In some ways, she is just as bad, but she does make me breakfast, and she seems to actually like me, as long as I’m not complaining or in her way.
Then, this position, while seemingly easier, is actually more stressful in some ways. That requires some explanation later, but I think it’s related to autism, for sure. I have less “control” over what happens, so that makes me more stressed. It’s actually a lot less than what it should be in this case, but, even then, I’m very stressed about a specific thing that I have no say in today. And, that’s always going to work that way.
It’s not control because I need to be in control. It’s because I am stressed over not being able to handle what is being asked of me and the person who makes these decisions is right there next to me. It’s very stressful.
Furthermore, it takes away my creativity, one of the parts of me I actually enjoy occasionally. If there is anything about me that people might be accurate about, it’s that I’m creative. This control is not about controlling others as much as the creative part of me that wants to live. And, I can potentially get it without others. This is where I can be alone and be OK, possibly. It’s complicated.
And, at the base level of everything is all the expectations I feel from others, starting with my parents, of course. I may not be a failure to them, but that’s only so they can feel good about helping me. Of course, I essentially had to give up relationships with my parents because of pressure from my siblings. And, I had to give up relationships with my siblings because of my wife. You get the idea. I’m slowly putting those back together, but I still end up alone, at least in terms of tangible support. I don’t know what to do with my life, much less how to do this job.
So, I’ll complain here, if you call it that. It’s more a statement of facts (as I see them), and a reflection on how I feel about them. I could be wrong, but I’m driving an hour alone this morning to a job, something I’ve never wanted to do, and I’m dreading it so badly I want to not go. But, I must try. It’s going to likely be a disaster.
My other post when I return, perhaps.
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