In my previous post on boundaries, I wrote, referring to my wife:

She can be the hero to the world, and I’ll just stay in bed all day. That is fine with her because I don’t cross her boundaries if I do nothing. That is insane.

Yesterday, my wife moved some objects I was sorting out by putting them into a box and setting them into a “proper” location. To be more specific, I have been working on creating some videos that will involve multiple camera angles and a green screen. As I am severely underemployed, and we are more restricted financially than we’ve been in a long time, I’m searching for old parts to figure out what might work without spending money. Plus, I enjoy digging around odd items and pieces to figure out new uses for them.

However, any attempts to f

Is there any wonder I feel worthless?

Add this to the list of so many other dismissive comments and actions through the years, and, somehow, when she is playing superhero, I’m looked at as a bad person for wanting to find some self-worth in doing something useful.

I’m being made to feel like a selfish narcissist for wanting to get out of bed and do something. As stated above: “She can be the hero to the world, and I’ll just stay in bed all day. That is fine with her because I don’t cross her boundaries if I do nothing.”

It’s not just fine with her; it’s what she expects! For her, in some extremely twisted form of logic, this is how she’s being less controlling? What?

She has apparently become convinced that I am controlling her by leaving objects on a sofa she seldom uses, in a room she rarely enters, is somehow a threat to her wellbeing.

Why is she doing this? I believe this is a combination of her being given advice by people who have no idea the situation and her inability to understand what they are even saying. This may sound unfair, but it’s the easiest explanation. Actually, it’s possibly the most generous one, besides saying she was right to do it. I’m not going to say that because, all she had to do was ask me to move what I had arranged in groups. She didn’t even ask. And, this is going backwards. It took many years to convince her that moving other people’s items without asking them first – in most situations – was not fair to them. I’m sure my autism makes me more sensitive to this. But, she knows I’m autistic! Occasionally, she acts like she doesn’t believe that because that requires her to do things she would rather not do, namely to be understanding and encouraging.

When I’m trying to regain trust in people again, figure out what I want to do with my life, feel isolated and unwanted, but I am excited about a project, my wife does that, what am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to feel?

This happened just after she had, unilaterally, decided she could wait a couple of weeks to pick up a prescription for me, after I’d explained why I needed it then. She overrode my explanation to come up with her idea, for no good reason, as best I can tell. Somehow, she thought she knew better than I did about my medication and my conversations with my doctor and pharmacy.

In trying to convince her, I told her that if I didn’t have the medication (the proper amount), there was no way I’d be able to work. But, that had no effect. Of course, I could then go try to take care of it myself, like any normal person would do. Should I rely on her for that? The primary reason she picks up my medication is that it’s on her way home from work. It is also stressful for me, if there is a problem, but I think that’s because she has done it for so long.

Now, before you think I might be ignoring the fact I have many issues that surely don’t make anyone’s life easier, keep in mind that I am essentially trying my best to do something more than stay in bed all day. If I’m overly sensitive, that is why, and I don’t understand why my wife doesn’t encourage me more. Technically, she does, but it’s only when I remind her too. That’s how desperate I am for encouragement and affection. I literally have to tell her to ask me questions like, “how is your project going?” even if I know they are not genuine. It’s better than nothing. But, she can’t sustain it, as it’s against her nature to “give up any of her happiness,” as she likes to say. I don’t know how being interested in someone else is giving up happiness, but it feels like that’s how she views it. It’s probably because I will give her a longer answer than she wants to hear, not realizing that’s a sign I like her. (“Info-dumping” from an autistic person means they like and trust you. And, they’ve most likely been ignored by most people their entire lives.)

Because my wife has asked me, I’ll keep the sofa clear. However, I may just go buy equipment instead, and she can work an extra job to pay for it. It would make her happy, since she clearly doesn’t care if I work, but that sofa has to be clean. (Maybe I should find a way to monetize this blog, but I feel guilty even thinking about that.) Oh, yes, she tells me to do what makes me happy. I guess that didn’t include sorting objects on a sofa that gets used about once a month and rarely is seen.

There is nothing like an instant boundary (and action) to make me feel even worse about myself. But, that’s how self-care works, apparently! You do whatever you want, and if it hurts others, you don’t have to feel guilty about it!

What I need are my boundaries, but I don’t know how to make them — yet.
I feel guilty doing so.

But, somehow, I need to figure this out because I wonder more all the time why I’ve even been trying this much all my life only to have people care so little. Actually, there have been some who cared, but my wife (in the interest of her self-care) had a big part in making sure I’m no long around them. It’s OK. She’s saving the world. All I have to do is stay out of her way – the ultimate boundary.

Or, I can try another way and hope she (and others) can keep up. But, I’ll run out of energy before they do, most likely or be convinced I’m wrong.