It’s very difficult for me to know if I’ve been living my life or someone else’s life. As I essentially got passed off from my mother to my wife, and I feel like I’ve never decided that wasn’t with one or both of them in mind, I don’t know what it’s like to be completely free. Then, there is my father, who tends to criticize everyone.

In other words, for most of my life, whatever I’ve done feels like:

1) Unsure why I’m doing it

2) Criticized no matter what I do

3) I didn’t do it on my own

Is this common with autism? Certainly, there are other issues, namely questionable parenting, a toxic sibling, and an aloof wife. Left on my own, to my own desires and comfort, I’m uncertain if my life would look very different.

I do believe it’s complicated and not just a matter of “good” or “bad.” That can be difficult to remember in times of crisis. Those seem to be done, thankfully, at least for now. Therefore, there is a chance, possibly the best chance I’ve ever had, to decide what is it I want to do?

This blog has been part of the answer, and I will have to decide if I would like to end it, expand it, or let it simmer. The same is true of other projects.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to “let go” of my “career” completely. However, I’ve wondered if my life’s work has been more about my mother’s special interests or fantasies than my own. It could also be that I have misinterpreted her encouragement as an expectation.

Ah! That’s where autism shows up.

I don’t know the answer!

This has been an extremely problematic area in my life: how do I know what a person’s motives are? Is it encouraging or manipulative?

This has also been flipped around on me, in rather horrible ways.

My friends went from telling me I was being encouraging to telling me I was being manipulative, for reasons that didn’t make sense. It was horrible timing, and, if I was confused, they had every right to be as well. I can’t have a monopoly on confusion.

Which way is up? I have no idea, but does it matter? The way forward is whatever way I go, up or down, for better or worse. In some ways, my life may just be beginning. Or, it’s a restart or makeover. It begins again from this moment, as it always does.

This could become a very exciting and meaningful time in my life, a chance to feel freedom from the expectations of others.

I only need a few basic things, and I have those. Beyond that, I’ll live in the realm of the worlds I create in my mind, shared or unshared. The options are endless, and I love it.

I’m not going to worry about having friends. Whatever happens will happen. There is no point in forcing something that may not be ideal for me anyway. I’ve had far too much pain in relationships the past couple of years to be rushing to discover new ways of getting hurt. Perhaps, that’s the biggest gift I’ve been left recently: I’m never going to be able to rely on anyone from help, even if I require it. My fate will be my own, and nobody else has to be tied to it.

Apparently, nobody really cares as much as they may say. And, the great part about that is I don’t have to care either, apparently. I still will, most likely, but I will be much more cautious and will assume people don’t want or need my help. That will be as difficult as counterintuitive, but that might be the only path ahead.

I can look at every relationship individually and decide what I want to do. Nobody will pressure me into actions that hurt me but help them. I know how to stand up for myself; I only need to start doing it again. Possibly, I will push back against bullies, or I may simply ignore them. It doesn’t matter, as long as I am free from them. It’s their loss, not mine.

There will be consequences for people who continue to mislead me or blatantly lie to me without any reason but their image or power. I’m not putting up with that anymore. It could be the end of relationships, but hopefully, it won’t be that severe. That will be up to them and their ability to admit their mistakes orexplain to me why I’m wrong in a logical manner. However, I’m done with being hurt, dismissed, controlled, taken advantage of, ridiculed, and so forth.

The next few months and few years could be very exciting. In many ways, I can’t wait because the past has been weighing me down for far too long. It’s time to live my life, for once. I hadn’t thought I’d ever get that chance, but I’ve learned in the past couple of years that one can still find hope and joy in this world. Occasionally, you have to break free from what (or who) is holding you back to do that.

I deserve to be happy and to feel loved as much anyone does. It’s time to stop feeling guilty about wanting those and make them happen instead. I’ve given up too much of my mental and physical health for others. If my wife, who is the most naturally happy (at least in presentation) person I’ve ever known, is so concerned about her self-care, then I have to be about mine. Otherwise, it will kill me. We need to figure out reasonable expectations of each other going forward, especially with all the changes in our lives (work, family). There is some progress in this area. But, we have yet to test it out completely. I’ll know more by the end of this month.

WAIT!!

What if I’m wrong, and I am the bad person who is now ungrateful.

Or, I’m wrong, but that’s only because I’m confused by what I keep hearing others tell me.

Or, I’m right, but this all feels so strange and wrong to me that I can’t do it.

At least, I can chart a new path in my head, for now, until someone tells me it’s bad, and I say, “OK. Sorry!.”

—

Epilogue

It didn’t take long for my wife to make me feel like everything I’m trying to do is pointless. I don’ have the energy to do anything about it. What a silly fantasy! It’s all an illusion.