I had a plan, one that would work for everyone. It was a good plan, though it wasn’t that complicated. People just had to agree to be nice, apologize, and have a little faith in each other. But, that’s not easy.
It didn’t work out for my family. It didn’t work out with people at work.
But, that does not mean they were bad plans! People just didn’t want to do them or even give them a chance. It’s their loss, but it’s a loss for everyone.
However, I still have those plans in my mind (and some on paper). I can be at peace knowing I had a plan that could have worked in a more spectacular way than anyone imagined.
My boss liked to say that when I went down a rabbit hole, I went all the way down. That can annoy people, I know, when they wanted a simple response to a question about dinosaurs (autistic joke). On the other hand, going all the way down the reconciliation-rabbit hole is a trip most don’t want to take, but it’s too bad. It is so glorious there, and my sadness is that nobody else wants to see – or believe – it.
The plan was not about me! That’s the thing. It was not about me at all. In fact, it was about the person least likely to think it was for him! Of all people, he wouldn’t have seen it coming, but he was the key, and he didn’t know it. Oh, the irony of giving up me as a friend. It makes me laugh now. They have no idea what they lost in me. No idea. This plan was not for me, it was for them, it was for everyone, but some will choose to suffer longer rather than do the tiniest amount of thought in the direction of helping ease the suffering of another, even if they were the ones who caused it.
This plan . . . was so good. It was too good. Nobody believes in that much good, but I so wanted to see it work. The layers, the people, the good . . . maybe it could be a movie. It should simply be real life. Nothing special about it, just apologize, essentially. That’s all. Some just can’t do it, but many need to. And, I had a plan for that. Everyone was going to win – everyone. I didn’t even have to be there; not the point. I’m still happy, though because I know it was hypothetically possible, if people only had given it (and me) a chance. I trust the plan was good.
However, it still gives me the peace to move on, knowing I did what I could, when I could, no matter how clumsily or poorly, despite many mistakes, but always with the desire for people to be happy, or at least content, or not miserable! Maybe I desired that too much. Yes, I did. But, that’s no matter now.
What does matter is my plan, the one nobody will ever see. But, it was, I promise, more glorious than anyone would have dared believe or accept. I will hold on to that, just as I will to what I had envisioned for my family. I know those plans won’t happen, but I know they could have happened, and that only happens because there is a power that is right there for us all to take if we just will do it.
Those plans are scrapped. They won’t happen. However, the power that made me dream them is still there . . . that power cannot be destroyed.
And, that is why we cannot give up.
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