Good advice? “Keep your shit separate from others’ shit.” That’s approximately what my boss told me not long after he got to my previous job. I think now I’ve realized he was talking about boundaries, but I don’t know I’d even heard that term in that way. It’s a popular word now, and, even though I understand the concept, it still all feels like another way to “boundary out” people you don’t like. That’s ironic, given the sign welcoming every into where I worked.

“All are welcome. But, keep your shit to yourself. (Except your money.)”

That’s overly cynical, I think. But, is it really? It feels like a big pile of bullshit, but most neurotypical endeavors do.

Why did he offer that advice? Yeah . . . because it was actually good advice, and timely advice, and it remained timely until I left my job. But, it also contradicted the “mission” of where I worked and what the boss (and many others) publicly stated and seemed to believe, at least on occasion. And, those boundaries tend to be what hurt me the most; when I’m left out or nobody cares (until they want something from me). Or, the reverse happens. I am encouraged to “engage” with people, do things, be a “normal” person, socialize, be caring, and I mess up the boundaries again, especially is they are those “hidden” ones or my wife (or others) don’t help when I ask for and need it.

It really is horrible to be at the point when you know you need help, you ask for help, and people who are right there deny helping you, when all you needed was someone to do something very simple. My wife seems to think ignoring me is helping me. Small things are denied, for what reason? It’s torture at this point, and she doesn’t care. She literally doesn’t understand or doesn’t care. I’m going with the latter based on how much she is being dishonest now. Nobody would believe me about her. Well, nobody except some of my kids. They know, but they see no point in telling her. It’s a waste of energy.

I’m either on the outside looking in or inside looking out. In other words, I’m locked out or locked in, and both situations involve a lot of false hope, promises, and valuation based on the bottom line of what you can do for someone else or the group as a whole. After all, this is the world many of us live in, the “beautiful” “Western Judeo-Christian values” some like to taut, that somehow don’t quite live up to the precepts they espouse.

“Everyone welcome” doesn’t last long in a group, at least not for some people. Autistics are not at the top of the list, for sure, and we can pass as too “normal” for anyone to realize what’s really going on. But, we are often severely misunderstood, and when someone does understand us, it’s often for the wrong reasons or others don’t like it. Many of us have “masked” without knowing we are doing it, and that’s been one of the reasons we’ve been so confused for many years as to why people treat us the way they do. The people we defend the most, the other outcasts, are often the first ones to turn against us.

Essentially, it’s a lose-lose situation, and it’s only a question of which way you will lose. “The deck is stacked” against you if you have a brain that is “stacked” differently. There’s another saying, “he’s one card short of a full deck.” That’s exactly the sort of phrases some people find funny, but they put the fear in others of us, because we assume they either are or will be used to hurt us later. I can’t tell you how many times people, from my father and brother to my recent boss, have found clear enjoyment in making fun of me, especially since I don’t know how to react. Now, that’s “welcoming” for you. I guess they were trying to tell me how you keep your shit separate from others: make yours smell so bad they don’t want to come near you but can still make jokes (often relating to your autistic qualities) at your expense. Well, I guess that worked after all. My shit is separate from almost everyone’s now, so my boss can find some solace in that.

I’m already dreading this new job that I probably won’t do for more than a couple of months. It’s not the job but the people. And, it’s not the people as much as all the crazy shit they do that seems really “awesome” at the time. They could all be good and well-intentioned, but I’m only there to perform a service, not to be their friend. They might talk about their “good friends,” as I’ve heard one already do! (No! Don’t talk about your friends to me!) But, I must resist the urge to become one of them.

God forbid they figure out I’m autistic, because that’s when the games really start to begin, and, like my family, friends, and people at work, it becomes one long dance, meandering across broken glass, to the exit door. By the time I realize it, they get one hilarious final kick in. They probably throw a party after it’s over, and won’t feel too guilty if they betray my trust, make fun of me, or use me as a way to get attention. In other words, nothing has changed in their world.

They don’t even need me there to make fun of me or pretend to ignore me. And, like all bad behaviors, they feed off each other, and they excuse their own by pointing to everyone else. They’d accuse me of the same, I’m sure. But, they know what they’ve done to me while I’m apologizing to them for feeling like I did something bad to deserve it. It will be one grand ball of excuses for their bad behavior and criticism of mine.

But, I won’t have to endure any more turned backs (literally), dismissive comments, lies, and betrayals because “alcohol was involved,” as one of them once attempted to use as an excuse. Oops. (Thanks, you had an extra drink then betrayed me, completely misunderstanding what I had told you and why. So much for trusting someone who is supposed to be completely trustworthy).

It’s no wonder I don’t have friends when everyone convinces everyone else not to like me. Actually, that’s not fair. Nobody needed convincing. I bet all the people who refused to help me for even a few minutes are there helping each other with important activities like opening doors and pouring drinks. That sure beats, I’m sure they are thinking, listening to an autistic person ask why you keep ignoring them. Is my wife at this party? She should be so she can give them wrong information about me, as she is prone to do. It doesn’t matter if her limited vocabulary (relative to most her age) won’t allow her to understand what she is saying. As long as it doesn’t make her look bad, it’s fine by her.

There will be no more, “everyone loves you,” while the one who says it runs off to be with “everyone” else who has said the same to me before. It’s amazing how a room full of people can tell me everyone loves me, yet none of them really want me there. It’s not actually amazing; it’s cruel. I forgot to entertain them! That’s the problem. I fit in perfectly when I’m doing that. Well, not perfectly. Someone will criticize that as well, and they might even not like you got any attention. Just wait, they don’t like to give up the spotlight for too long, especially to someone so annoyingly thought you were their friend.

Keeping shit separate to them means reminding everyone that their past trauma is worse than everyone else’s, and yours is just one of those “everyone has problems” situations. Try telling them that, and see how they respond. My parents had just separated, and I was going to have the most difficult conversations in my life with my mother in under 24 hours, but “everyone has problems” was the response to someone else using their problems as a way to attack me for something I didn’t even do! They didn’t get the facts straight, and then they attacked me. I almost expect people to treat me like this now.

It’s not nearly as funny as they think it is, and maybe that’s why my wife wants me to move on more quickly than I wanted to. She sees how they have destroyed my trust in people, and it’s almost ruined her as well. It’s best to run away and don’t look back, no matter how many people start calling for you to return. Take the advice of my boss, and get out of the toxic environment, the one overrunning with everyone’s shit mixed together.

It’s just too bad nobody wants to take the time to turn it into fertilizer. That, apparently, for most people takes too much effort (though posting about it on social media could create a cool meme . . . )

This world is not my home . . . and the people in it are not my friends. I think I knew that by the time I was eight. It’s too bad I was ever taught to believe otherwise. I should have known to not confuse “everyone loves you” with people actually “giving a shit.” They can party on without me. I bet they’ll throw a big one this weekend, and I hope they, like the rest of the world, forget I even exist. They should invite my wife, since she’s the one they always liked.

But, I’m not done quite yet. I’ll have my own party, without any of them! As I do just about every day, I will imagine they are there, all of them. Everyone will be happy, just as it ought to be. They don’t even have to see me! I just want them to all be happy together, as long as I don’t get their shit thrown in my face anymore or they knock the shit out of me. If I’m the problem, I’ll just stay away and pretend they like me, similar to when I was a kid. At least my wife isn’t quite as bad as my parents, though it fees more like it all the time. I miss my parents though, as well as all the other “bad” people who somehow tended to be nicer than the “good” ones. I’ve never quite figured that out. But, I guess I’m lucky other people rescued me from the bad people, even though I now feel alone.