“It’s just awkward.” I’ve heard that before. I think it’s the polite way to tell me what I’ve done is not fine, but the intent is not being questioned.

Autism=awkward.

And, people don’t like awkward. It makes them feel awkward. And, awkward is uncomfortable, and comfort is the preferable state for most humans, at least in most “modern” capitalistic societies (think on that for a bit.) So, autistic people are therefore not preferred over more “comfortable” people.

If people don’t like you, they don’t want you to act like you like them. It’s awkward, and they hate that. People will do anything for their own comfort, sometimes known as “self-care.” You won’t be a part of it. Awkward things and people do not mesh with self-care. They deserve comfort. You do not. Boundaries are for keeping awkward people away. It doesn’t matter if they hurt you, as long as they don’t feel awkward in your company.

I’ve seen this play out many times in my life, not just with me but with others. It’s one of those tough truths of autism. People may “like” us, but they find us awkward as hell, and, as my wife has now “discovered,” comfort is key. Well, she was never far from that, seeing as how she sleeps through things most people would never get to bed over. But, it’s trickled down even to her, as soon as I wanted just a little more help, once I got the official diagnosis!

I won’t go down the list, but I’m alone because of this. I tried to like people who didn’t like me. What they liked was what I did for them, not who I was. Some of them even told me that! At least they were honest as they kicked me to the curb. Many won’t even give me that much of a thought. Some enjoy kicking me as long as they can, even when I’m already in the gutter.

There is a range of reactions allistics have to autistics. You just have to hope you run in to several of the kinder ones who can handle your awkwardness better than most. Even then, you will be at their mercy, and you better find a way to be entertaining before they replace you without a thought apart from their comfort level.

Their comfort will always be greater than your awkwardness. Every time. And, then they have the audacity to blame us for not being happy all the time, even as they continue to find ways to make us miserable, if not on purpose than from apathy.

Oh, this post is longer than I meant it to be. I’m guessing not many neurotypicals are reading it anyway, so it’s probably fine.