I may not get out of bed today, at least not until the dogs make me. What’s the point? Seriously. My life, in most ways, is pointless. I believe I have proof. Honestly, life itself seems pointless. It always has, in many ways. What are humans supposed to do, conquer the universe? No, wait. It’s about love, that cosmic force that binds everyone together.
Love, connection, people. I’m a romantic idealist, so I believe in all of those things. But, I’m autistic, so I get confused by them as well. Ultimately, I’m hurt by them in an attempt to understand them and want them for everyone.
I’d make a perfect homeless person. I basically am, in my mind, but I happen to be lucky enough for some kind people to take care of me now.
Autistics can blame others unfairly, I’ve read, and I know I’m guilty of that sometimes. To be fair, I think we get blamed as well. Furthermore, there are plenty of people around me who have failed me or hurt me and will take no responsibility for their part. None. And, it could have improved my life if they had. I’m not certain how they do it, to ignore their mistakes that have hurt me so badly. It’s maybe because they’d recover better than I can. I just can’t. I’ve tried, but I can’t just walk in to a new job at this point.
There are multiple people at my previous job who failed me. They know it. But, they don’t care enough to do anything about it. It’s what most people do. Still, it doesn’t mean I’m going to be happy about it, especially when I have almost nothing to look forward to in my life anymore. I need to be grateful for the help I get.
On the other hand, my honesty gets me in trouble. Trying to correct my mistakes gives some people a chance to prove their value to themselves or others. They can exact revenge through me if they so choose. It’s not about me, but about their agenda. So, it’s nothing personal, I guess. Well, not with me. It’s just their self-care, what they need. Always, that reason.
Can I play computer games the rest of my life and be satisfied? No, of course not. But, it may keep me alive, and that’s all that seems to matter to some people. The bar is low; it’s been low for a long time. And, it’s lower now than it’s ever been in my life.
I’ve let others down, but it’s not because I didn’t try. Others have let me down, and they don’t seem to care. No, they don’t care. If they did, they would have shown me by now. One phone call could have changed my life, but nobody is willing to admit what they’ve done wrong. Or, they won’t do anything about it that really matters. Or, maybe I’m just completely delusional, a hopeless cause. That’s always a great trick to use, especially by some types of people. I do tend to attract them. I could just be as worthless as I feel. After all, despite being able to do many things well, even sometimes with people, as they would tell you, I may simply have too many flaws for anyone to care about helping me. Why waste time on a hopeless cause when there is an entire world to save?
So, I’ll straggle out of bed at some point and pretend to be doing something useful. I spend a lot of time faking like I have a job. It’s a bizarre way to live, but at least I’m alive, and that’s supposed to be a good thing. I suppose as long as I do that, I’m not letting people down entirely.
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