Month: March 2023
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March 29, 2022: the destruction of my family.
It has been one year, to the day. There is something about a year’s time. My mother was visiting us this weekend. I’d already been outlining this post, without her knowledge, when she said, “You know, it’s almost been precisely a year . . .” I told her I’d been thinking about it. It was,…
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A big day?
Today is important. It’s also frightening. Big days are like that. But, is this a “big” day? That’s the curiosity, as there is no way to know for sure. Actually, the question might be in what way is it – or will it be – significant? It’s difficult to comprehend that I’ll be back doing…
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168,630 (carpe numerum)
168,630 is the number of words I’ve written so far for this journal. The number of pages is 683. I’ve only published about half of them, and some of them will never be published. Still, that’s a lot! I can’t say I’ve done nothing this year. When I looked back over what I did at…
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Just passing through: time to be more Stoic.
I’m now trying to imagine myself just passing through from place to place. That is, after all, what life is, passing through time. Of course, there is more, but it’s all just an illusion to help us make it from point to point. Illusions aren’t bad or good. They just are there. If a door…
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Am I getting caught in the middle, again?
Unfortunately, I can easily get caught between individuals or groups of people. Recently, someone told me to, “put on your big boy pants.” While I think she meant well, as a way to encourage me to stand up for myself, it is an odd and rather condescending phrase I don’t hear often. I think it’s…
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The moment your life makes no sense – again.
Autism: every day is a great opportunity to discover ways your life seems completely backwards, no matter how hard and how long you’ve tried. Autism: it’s safer being alone. It just is. People can still be mean, but, at least you don’t have to look at them (not that you really ever would the right…
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What am I rebuilding?
I think I’m in a rebuilding phase. Healing had to take place first, after the destruction. Even though I’ve been journalling about both, I’ve not quite figured out what I’m doing. I have some ideas, some dreams still. There are always logistics, and my self-confidence has never been lower. But, I’m not dead, so I…
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New (old) “friends”
They may be a generation older or younger, but I have some new “friends.”My wife has helped with that – they are our friends. Part of me wants to resist, but I’ve accepted nobody my age wants to do anything with me other than my wife and my siblings. That’s fine. Why complicate things? I…
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Let’s do some VERY basic math. (Take 2)
March 7, 2023 Scale -3 to +3 JOB No/little JOB People -3 2 $$$ 3 -3 Creativity 2 2 Anxiety -3 -1 Self-worth 2 -3 Good example for kids 2 -2 Executive Functioning -2 1 Physical Stress -1 3 Happiness 2 -2 Special Interest 1 2 I upset other people Chance to be bullied -1…
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How am I still alive?
WARNING: If this is triggering or you, or someone that you know needs help, visit the resources listed at the end of this post. These are the following categories that give me a higher risk for suicide. The worst part is how much of this has been caused directly or indirectly by others, either by…
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I’m above average! (Life expectancy and autism.)
The statistics on life expectancy and autism are sobering, assuming you believe living longer is better, with all other variables considered as well. From Amy Marschall’s article on verywellmind.com Autistic people have significantly lower life expectancies than the rest of the population. In 2022, the average global life expectancy is approximately 72 years old. For…
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Is it paranoia if it’s true?
Paranoia can be present in autism, and, if for no other reason, past negative experiences with other humans tend to make one skeptical of what is going on. In some ways, I think autistics are “walking on eggshells” around everyone else. When people say you are paranoid, but then you can prove you are right,…
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Here they are! My self-imposed deadlines. (Week of March 6, 2023)
This journal is not the only thing I’m working on, but here are some deadlines specific to it. Today is March 6, 2023. Here are my deadlines for myself for this week. This is plenty. Time to get at it. Can I do it? What do you think? For this journal: Deadline Task Completed? March…
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Hey, I got out of bed!
Saved by the dogs, again. Plus, I was hungry. I’m trying to get a YouTube channel going, though I have no content. There are too many things “in the works,” and that is low on the list. I need to put more up for my podcast, as in more than one episode. I try to…
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Let down by others, or letting others down?
I may not get out of bed today, at least not until the dogs make me. What’s the point? Seriously. My life, in most ways, is pointless. I believe I have proof. Honestly, life itself seems pointless. It always has, in many ways. What are humans supposed to do, conquer the universe? No, wait. It’s…
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People who don’t actually like you don’t like being treated like they do. (Being awkward.)
“It’s just awkward.” I’ve heard that before. I think it’s the polite way to tell me what I’ve done is not fine, but the intent is not being questioned. Autism=awkward. And, people don’t like awkward. It makes them feel awkward. And, awkward is uncomfortable, and comfort is the preferable state for most humans, at least…
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I have all the reasons in the world to hate myself.
I’m riding in a car. My wife is driving. There are many posts I’m working on. Some are timely; many were timely some time ago. Should I still post them? Probably. My life is out of sequence anyway. I don’t want the journal to be negative. But, the autistic experience is largely that way, and…
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Escaping the reality of now
Imaginary friends are the best ones. They don’t abandon you, mistreat you, or take advantage of you. They don’t promise friendship knowing it won’t last, just for whatever short-term gain they have in mind. Imaginary friends won’t ruin your life just so they don’t have to be slightly embarrassed for their mistakes. Imaginary friends are…
My Autistic Journal 