My brain feels much better than it has in a long time. When I say, “feels,” I mean that literally as well as its ability to function.
How am I testing to see? For one, I’m not planning anything, per se, but I’m going along with whatever comes up. Today, for, example, I’m meeting briefly with someone that would have the potential to be anxious. But, I’m not that worried about it. I’ll go meet, exchange some information, do my best to stay focused, and not assume anything that great or terrible will happen. It’s like the allergy shot I also have to get today. It’s something I’ll do. This is where I need to be as much like my wife as possible, as unnatural as that can be sometimes for me.
Am I happy? Yes, I am. Will I be tomorrow? I don’t know. Was I yesterday? I think so, but it doesn’t matter. On our daily walk a few days ago, I told my wife that her secret to being happy (almost) all the time was her ability to forget the bad things in the past. That’s an overstatement, but she can keep going through virtually anything as if it’s not happening. Some people have noted this as her having a lack of empathy. I don’t know. I’m not going to dwell on that. It’s pointless. The better way to see it would be to value her stoicism, and to focus on the many remarkable qualities she has. I consider her to be a superhero, and they tend to be good to have around, as perplexing as they can be.
We see our marriage counselor later today, right after the meeting. That’s three appointments back-to-back, in different locations. Am I supposed to be anxious about it? Hmm. Leaving the house . . . it’s fine. Potential physical problems . . . I guess I should think about them, but the odds of anything going wrong are slim.
I don’t feel any anger towards anyone. That’s my baseline, I believe. I can get irritated easily, but it’s not ever been normal for me to be angry for long. Maybe ADHD helps that. There is bound to be a happy squirrel bounding along soon. I’ve told my wife the best way to refocus me is to ask about a project I’m working on. She forgets, but I remind her. It’s a strange dynamic at times.
When I can, I remind my wife what she can do at that moment to help me. Progress there is if she can accept that reminder without getting upset. I have to accept that she has trouble remembering. As odd as it might be, telling her how to help me with something that I wish she’d remember might be equivalent to asking her to open a door. I’ll be grateful if she does. If she doesn’t, then I’ll figure out something else.
Part of me wonders why I’m not feeling guilty for not having an actual job right now. My wife is talking about getting two limited part-time jobs, as our finances are not as good as she had once suggested to me and others. (Toxic positivity!) However, she doesn’t care if I have a job. I asked her yesterday when she mentioned this third job. These extra jobs are limited in scope and duration, but I still wonder what she might have wanted to do instead. But, it’s my wife. She’d be out doing something, and she seems excited about at least one of them.
If she works all day, and I get to create all day, it works for me. It also works for her. I am so lucky! Yes, that should be my biggest takeaway. Assuming my health holds up, I have so many things I can do that I absolutely enjoy. And, I don’t need to feel bad about being married to someone who may not understand me at all, but can help me in so many ways. That’s a good deal, not a bad one. I’ve often told her I’m glad she doesn’t understand me. She’s working on herself as well, and her personal therapy has helped, sometimes in unexpected ways.
I’ve digressed about my wife. That happens on this blog, but this is a good digression. I need to make a few notes for this meeting that’s going to “happen.” Feeling a little nervous is to be expected, but I don’t have anxiety like I would have even a month ago?
I could be worried about what other people are thinking about me right now. I’m not. I don’t want to be distracted from what I’m working on. So, I’ll take a little time to address any problems that arise then get back on my projects. I’m not hiding from the world; I’m enjoying it in a quite place, one most suited for my needs, to allow me to do what I’m best at. And, when that happens, I’m able to venture into the “real world” some. Balance is good.
What has changed? I’ll post about that later, but it’s a combination of time, the right advice, healthy and helpful relationships, acceptance, appreciating the good things I have, focusing on the future, tweaking some medication, and a sense of purpose. It’s a work in progress, just like my projects are, like everything is. Static energy becomes dynamic. There’s not really any point in trying to prevent it, unless you think you can control subatomic particles. And, that’s not one of my projects. Actually, that gives me an idea!
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