Yeah. I just suck. Yep. No doubt. I have no clue. Truly. No idea.

I should just say that over and over all day. It would make more sense than what I normally say, apparently.

Things “come out” wrong, backwards. I try to compliment, and it is viewed as an insult, or vice-versa. I try to offer ideas to help, and they are seen as threatening. People convince me of things that may not actually be true because I assume everyone prefers resolution over conflict and honesty over deception.

I offer peace and am seen as hostile. This is confounding!

People don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling. Whatever I’m communicating comes off differently than that. Or, they understand and use it against me. I want the best for everyone: peace, harmony, and all of that stuff. I don’t wish harm on anyone, so I don’t understand why people think I do. It makes no sense to me, except to accept it may NOT be my fault.
Some have told me as much, namely a couple of therapists and my former boss. Why is that hard? Of course it could be my fault but it also could not be. I understand that in many trivial situations, but when they get more complicated, it requires more thought. I’m better, I think, but it’s not close to perfect – obviously. We’ll see how much more I can improve.

When I try to get clever or funny, it comes out so wrong. If I hear one thing and respond in kind, it’s a disaster. I have no clue what to say to people anymore. I’m not sure why, although I think I’m better, in some ways. Too much has happened since by burnout started. Even though I think I’m past it, I haven’t “assimilated” back in to anywhere, and, to be honest, I don’t want to. I’ve been avoiding people as much as I can. That may sound bad, but it’s not! Being alone is not that horrible for me. For one, it’s safe. I don’t have to worry about communication going wrong if I’m not communicating! Problem solved.

In this past week, someone from my previous job sent me a card, another messaged, and a third wanted to talk. Those were thoughtful, but every person represents a chance to complicate my life. Somehow, that happens a lot more than it should. Maybe I’ll learn how to get it right someday. But, I almost don’t care, as long as people leave me alone or, at a minimum, don’t “play games” with me. Some people like to play games more than others: say one thing, do another; say one thing, say another. It’s hard enough when people are consistent!

There is some good news: every mistake or observation is a chance to reassess and grow. I’ll be sorting that out soon, with the help of someone who understands people much better than I do. Time has proven that to be true about him many times.