I’ve waited 50 years for something that no longer will happen.

NOTE: One moment . . . of one day . . . I keep going. So, KEEP READING. OR STOP. See where I end up. This is not the end of the story, I don’t think. Not ALL days will be good.

There’s not a lot in my life now. I’ve been trying for a long time to find some glimmers of hope where I can. It’s not been easy. What little remained largely was gone by mid-2022. I’m not completely alone; I have my wife and children, and we usually all get along well, despite some misunderstandings and personality differences. We progress together, through good times and bad. Lockdown was fun for me, having us all together. I’m glad my wife is taking some things more seriously, especially my autism. I’ve had obvious struggles, but she’s had more hidden ones, and I suspect she might also be autistic.

Outside my home, there’s not much for me anymore. It’s safer in relative isolation, but it also feels like waiting around to die. I guess my life has felt that way for a long time, with a bit of an exception.

This was the year some things were finally lining up. Fifty years in the making. Yes! I guess to most people it would be completely trivial, but for me, it was going to be exceptional. I will never have that chance again, and I’m not about to salvage it now. I don’t know what I’ll do when that day comes in a couple of months besides try my best to forget it. There are so many reasons I’ll be sad. And, it didn’t have to be that way.

Maybe some think it’s a punishment I deserve. Perhaps, I do, though I’m still not quite sure why I’m being punished, especially in so many directions. That’s the problem with feeling perpetually guilty. I can think of what I’ve done wrong just about every minute of my life, so I don’t always know which thing someone is upset over. I assume everything, and that’s a bit overwhelming.

Everything feels so wrong, so backwards. I hope good things are coming this year, but I can’t see how. Every so often, I’ve wondered if I will live long enough to see my children get married, if they ever choose to. I’m glad they are not in much of a rush. I doubt I’m going to enjoy any ceremony. I’m not sure if I want to be a grandparent. I’ll just be in the way. I’m the kind of person who is better off being remembered than actually being alive.

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