Both of my brothers literally wrote my father off by sending him a letter. One of them pointed out to my father that he wanted justice, my other brother wanted revenge, but I wanted a relationship. That was true, but I was also protecting my sister.

My father refused to reach out to my brothers for years, even as I was trying to figure out a way for reconciliation between him and others. And, then he ultimately ignored me while throwing all his children under the bus and getting their mother to defend him (again). I held out hope, for some reason, thinking my father could change, would have to change, or at least show some remorse. But, he didn’t. I just didn’t expect it to be quite as bad as it was.

My wife? She is very kind and faithful . . . especially to people who don’t rock the boat. It’s another way to want relationships, I guess, but it requires ignoring when people actually need help. She liked to pretend all was good, and the complainers (my siblings) were the problems. On the other hand, I’m rushing in to put out fires (parents) before they get too bad, and I’m defending others from getting hurt (sister). Then, others get mad at me for not standing up for them, even though I actually am (brother). And, ultimately, I’m chastised for it all (wife).

So, I get burned, bruised, and battered by protecting others and ultimately blamed for causing difficulties. I was trying to fix the concerns others were ignoring or acting like were not there. I’m sure the “rule” is I should have done nothing, but I don’t take the attitude of my wife. I held back as long as I could, tried as much as I could, but I drew the line when my seventeen-year-old niece was riding alone in a truck with a known offender. “Look at what you did! It wasn’t your responsibility to tell her,” were the words from the person who once thought a suicidal child was just having “normal teenage problems.” Also, self-care trumps everything, as she has found a new way of saying. “Why should I give up my happiness to help someone else!” is what she has learned to say when I say my autism diagnosis says, “requires support.”

I’m sorry—people can tell me it’s not my business, or they can claim someone else could have told my niece. But, nobody else was going to! I was the only person who had all the information,

I get blamed for doing that! I just wanted relationships, but I sacrificed a lot of them to protect my niece (and my sister for many years), including with people she’ll never know about. If that makes me a bad or stupid person, fine

HOWEVER, it took my children’s generation to bail me and my siblings out, when they stood up to their grandparents on behalf of their parents. Grandkids choose parents over grandparents—once they get old enough to see what’s really been happening? Well, I’d seen it and tried to avoid disaster, even as it was killing me to do so.

The ones who wanted justice got it. The ones who wanted revenge got it. The ones who want relationships always get screwed over, even by the ones who say they put relationships above other things . . .

Except . . . what about this part I wrote above: “ . . . it took my children’s generation to bail me and my siblings out, when they stood up to their grandparents on behalf of their parents.”

Some of us are ahead of the curve, after all. Some of us know the truth, and we don’t give up on it. Some of us don’t give up on others, even as they are giving up on us. Some of us will get burned or bruised (metaphorically) if nobody else is there or willing to stop others from getting hurt. But, I’m tired of being hurt, or seeing others get hurt (or faking it), so I have to minimize time around people. Maybe that’s what was so good—and revealing—about the pandemic.

I was never going to have a great relationship with my parents, not because of me, but because of them. However, I’ll gladly trade that for a relationship with my children, siblings, nieces, and nephews any day. My wife is even slowly figuring this out, I think. She might also be autistic, because nobody can pretend to be that naive. I just have the version of autism that gets hurt instead of stays oblivious. So, I’m helping her realize this, I think. It’s not easy on anyone, and I’m not trying to get her hurt as well. It’s tricky. Nobody really deserves pain, but some people don’t seem to mind inflicting it for their own pleasure.

Now, I’m on to my special interest after a rather distressing day – it’s centered around making the world a better place, creating new things to help ease pain, not cause it.