Maybe I have a “Hail, Mary” plan I can try.

My wife, for some reason, loves me. I never understood. Well, maybe at some point it made sense. That was before life got too complicated, not her fault nor mine.

Still, you don’t know how people will react to things. In her case, she rarely reacts. She’s very hypo-sensitive, and I am, naturally, hyper-sensitive. It’s why she can go to sleep and not worry about anything when people are in crisis. She’s gotten a bit better now, but it’s taken me getting very upset with her over years, and then, of course, I look like the crazy guy.

As I’ve said many times to her, I won’t apologize for being worried about the health and safety of my children. So, it’s tough overcoming what she’s gleefully ignored and then . . . the audacity . . . to want to start working more on self-care. She is the most well-regulated person I’ve known. I asked her if she was willing to give up any of her happiness to help someone else, and she thought I was an idiot for asking. “What do you mean, give up my happiness? Why would I do that?” (Is THAT autism?) Maybe she is confused.

I really don’t know what to do. She has set so many boundaries on discussion after I’ve tried to get her to discuss things for years. I had to have a special session with our marriage counselor (my idea) so she could convince my wife to let me discuss autism and my feelings for 15 minutes a day.

When I get frustrated, even angry, I get called out. But, what is not seen is all the times she ignores me, walk away, when I’m asking for legitimate help. Worse than that, is with our children. She has gotten better, in many ways.

Last week, though, she did something that REALLY hurt me. She told our son, undiagnosed but certainly autistic, that he had taken some food that I was wanting to eat – I had ordered it from the store. Of course, he had no way to know that, and he’d already eaten it. All I had done is ask her where it was. But, she had just been talking about how it’s bad to do that kind of thing, yet she did it.
So, I then ask him, and he gets upset because he’s already heard her ask it, and he didn’t answer her.

I texted him so when he woke up he’d see that I was not upset at him.

But, my wife, the next day, tells me that my son thinks I’m mad at him.

Without going in to my life, that’s one of the worst things anyone could do to me, to tell me one of my kids thinks I’m upset at them. That’s especially true for my more sensitive/likely autistic children, i.e. the ones most like me.

I asked her if she told him I was not. Her response was that it was not her job to speak for me . . . well, she just had the day before – to start that mess!

I end up talking to them both at the same time, and he didn’t remember thinking I was upset at him. He knew I wasn’t. I VERY rarely get upset with my kids. They are good kids, really. My wife doesn’t have patience with people who are disruptive, so she’s been good at ignoring them or getting on them. You, know, in a nice, kind way.

“I can’t deal with this any more,” was what she said to our one son, when all he wanted was his mother to pay attention to him. I have YEARS of journals about this.

Finally, he got some medication, and that helped. But, it wasn’t for him, it was for her. I have to really upset her to get anywhere.

SO, my “Hail, Mary” move might be coming for something else. She either can attempt to help fix a problem she helped create or not. I’ll see.

I’m not easy to live with, I don’t think, but how would I know for sure?

I do know that I’d rather be a temperamental highly-creative idealist who can irritate the heck out of people than the defender of the status quo and ignorer of people in crisis. I have no idea how she thinks the way she does. She’s more of an outlier than I am, I think. I really hope she’s autistic. Otherwise, it frightens me.

How do I get past her indifference to a suicidal child or partner?

She was not under any stress or duress. No trauma. Nothing. It’s not like she had any reason to make a mistake, be unable to think. I know how that goes. I’ve messed up many times when I’m not thinking well. But, with her, there is none of that. It’s just the inability to understand or care. But, she is the happiest person you might meet in your life. It’s easy when you don’t see others in pain – especially when you are TOLD they are. I miss it sometimes, but when I see it, I feel it. I didn’t see the things my father did to my sister, but I sure as hell felt them. My wife felt nothing, never a word about my sister, when I told her. Just the blank, confused face of what to do when your husband is crying telling you something. You know, just try to fake emotion, please. It never came up again. Out of her mind.

Well, it did come up again . . . and I was unhappy with her for not caring. And, then, ultimately, what is still impossible to understand, her anger (oh, yes, THIS, THIS, THIS!!!!! Is when she gets mad at me!!!): when I take action upon learning my niece is riding alone with her grandfather, the same person who assaulted my sister. THAT!!!???

That is cause for anger – AT ME!!!

IDK what to do. She said that just a couple of months ago.

And, that’s just my family, a bit.

Well, that’s all fallen apart, but I did get her to apologize to my one brother, the father of my niece. Finally. It only took 25 years. Granted, he could be a jerk at times, but we are brothers, and she didn’t like him rocking the boat at all, esp. with my father. And, my father got her to dislike my brother . . . and other brother . . . and sister. Yeah, that sister. And, it didn’t matter I had to suffer alone with my sister for almost two decades – my wife didn’t flinch at that. Nope. “Not my problem!” Is what she was likely thinking.

F that. I’m done with this.

So, tomorrow, she gets a new plan. It’s going to be tough for her, but maybe, if she apologized to my brother, she can do this as well. It may be the only way I’m at peace. It shouldn’t have to come to this, but I’m desperate, and, even though she refuses to take the blame for anything, I’ve had plenty of people who know her tell me she is at least partly at fault. I know I suck. But, that doesn’t’ make her perfect.

Wish me well. . . .

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