It’s 2023, and I have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it’s especially unsettling for me, my autistic brain not being able to process things very well or quickly. Most people would have moved on by now. It’s not something I can do just reading a positive quote of the day like many would suggest. “Just do it!” is not helpful when I don’t know what “it” is, and I can’t seemingly “do” anything right anyway, other than upset people. Perhaps, that should be my singular goal in 2023, to not upset anyone.
A year ago, I had friends and a job. My family, that is my siblings and parents, was already imploding, but I still could hold out some hope. In March, the “bomb” finally went off, despite decades of me and my sister trying to find a way around it. Maybe I cared more than everyone else. The pandemic didn’t help anything, but my job stress became untenable for reasons more complicated than anyone except me knows. The fact I can’t really share those reasons worsens it, reminding me somewhat of my family situation, though not nearly on that level. I also don’t have as much of an obligation to any job as I do to my family.
I’m uncertain whether I will continue therapy or medications like I’ve done for years. Furthermore, I’ve done those so I could enjoy people and work more, but the result doesn’t indicate they helped. I am still alive, so that’s something. Once, I asked one of my children if it would be better for me to be depressed and in bed all day instead of being a bit too overly energetic at times. He said it would be. So, I may go that path. It allows me to not be so annoying, but I also won’t care if I’m in bed all day. That’s the tradeoff I’ve already been working on. I think it’s better for people to forget me than to be mad at me.
So, a plan?
Yes. I need a plan. Maybe if I start now, I’ll have a rough draft of a plan by mid-April and finish by the end of the year, in time to start a new one for 2024.
Wait, a plan is not a dissertation? Well, that’s unlucky. How can I figure everything out in bullet points?
No. I can do something. It needs to be simple. I don’t like simple. I require simple. I don’t want simple. Nothing is simple. That’s why this needs to be simple. Don’t complicate what’s already complicated. That sounds easy. No, it’s impossible! Yeah. Wish me luck! (And, check back later to see if I’ve gotten anywhere.)
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