Month: December 2022
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A quick preview for the long close of the year.
I’ve survived Christmas! New Year’s is easy as I’m back home. My children are all here, as is my wife. The dogs are well. It’s a moment of tranquility to end the year. That is good. All of us together at our home for about twenty hours! Ha. Then, they start to leave. The new…
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This journal is a process, and I have so much to process.
These are not problems for just autistic brains. The ability for the brain to process information can be greatly affected by ADHD, trauma, and many other disorders and factors. The lack of sleep and stress make processing more difficult and paranoia more likely.
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The shortest day of the year. (My dog is cool.)
Today is the shortest day of the year! I feel rather energized and happy, and that’s because I’ve been spending hours working on a major project that has excited me. Furthermore, for many years, this has been a stressful time at my previous job, but that’s not an issue now. Finally, my family situation—siblings and…
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My children are my raison d’être.
When it comes to my children, I’m grateful to have them, but I sometimes feel guilty that they got me as a father. I also don’t want them to be the only reason I’m alive because that puts too much pressure on everyone.
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Do people even care? Autism and Suicide.
For much of my life, I’ve wondered if people cared if I’m alive or would be that upset if I died.
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When the highlight of your week is getting shots.
That tiny amount of physical contact, even though it’s accompanied by a sharp object being forced into my body, makes me feel connected to another person.
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Here’s how my days often begin.
I wake up in the morning feeling good, with a lot of energy. Last night, I tried to get to bed at a better time. Every few days, I try to recalibrate my thinking if it’s off. So, I was ready to go, inspired to work on a project in my profession. And then, I…
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Here’s how my days often have ended this year.
It’s 4am. My day, in many ways, was not terrible, but I’ve been crying off and on for the past eight hours. Not a lot, but just always at the surface. If I get around to it, I’m going to transcribe a recording I made yesterday of myself talking in the car, on the way…
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Just me rambling, in real time.
Yeah. So, my brain right now. Stayed up too late again. Lots of energy. Feeling good waking up. Wife home today after working in the morning (on Saturday). It’s fine, good, really. Again, lots of energy, brain going well. Well, I’ve yet to take that medicine that slows by brain down some. Helps socially, but…
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Everything seems Backwards.
Obviously, to say that everything seems backwards would be an overstatement. However, many parts of my life involving people don’t make sense. The feelings and the logic don’t line up. Communication always is off, just enough to be tricky. What might seem like good communication is really not, but it is close enough that problems…
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Raccoons!
My younger brother’s son was diagnosed with autism around age three. After quite extensive therapy, he was mainstreamed in schools, and seems to be doing well. His autism would probably be more noticeable than mine, though I don’t know how to tell this. Several years ago, I was speaking with my brother on the phone.…
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It’s not my job to fix everything or everyone.
I think this will be one of my shorter posts. It’s not my job to fix everything or everyone. That’s it! I’m a work in progress, so I’ll mess up. Please be patient with your autistic family and friends. Thank you.
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Overwhelmed – can I even survive this?
Note: As a reminder, this journal is a journey, a progression, and if something bothers you, keep going to see what happens. I plan on doing that, too, and I’ve not given up yet. It doesn’t matter anymore. I just don’t know what to do, and I mean right now. Somehow, every attempt I’ve tried…
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I don’t understand means I don’t understand.
For some reason, the more I tell people I am confused or don’t understand, the less they believe me. Do they think I’m using that as an excuse? Maybe it’s the way I say it. Additionally, when they push back from that, I want to correct them. In other words, I just get more confused…
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An atypical stroll with my wife: another chance for communication malfunctions.
My wife and I started walking during the pandemic, a habit we continue. It’s a good thing, and I get frustrated when we can’t. We aim for daily, and usually do at least five days of the week. We’ve walked in the dark, in the rain, and during beautiful sunsets on perfect days. It’s a…
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A quick shoutout to my peeps, known and unknown.
Thank you for helping me on my journey. I don’t know who most of you are, but the few comments I get are encouraging, and we all need encouragement. My brain tries to see everything as significant, part of a larger system that connects to an even larger, all-encompassing one, and, while that can be…
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These are some of the biggest mistakes I’ve made.
Autism may not play a complete role in any or all of these, but it is a significant factor. As a rather late-diagnosed ASD person who didn’t have the best support or models as a child, it’s probably made this more difficult. However, if nothing else, I’m persistent, and, that of course is on this…
My Autistic Journal 