I’m way behind on doing nothing. (I hate December.)

I’m way behind on doing nothing. I really need to be doing nothing, but I forget sometimes. It’s like a patient after surgery who feels better and decides to do a bit too much. My brain has limits, and it’s not going to function as well as I want it to. Maybe it never has, maybe it never will.

After all, my diagnosis of autism indicates I need some support, precisely because I cannot do some things well on my own. Getting through this time of the year is always tricky. Last year was nearly disastrous. I thought I would have a stroke – I wonder if I did sometimes. By then, I was well into the burnout that continues now. It’s hard to explain, but if I try to push my mind too far, it doesn’t work.

So, I have more to post, and I’ve finished quite a few, skipped some in order, and such. I want them to all make sense, so I have to wait until I’m more certain they will. Posting things out of order or months after starting them may not be ideal.

I have to survive December, somehow. The past 18 months have been too difficult, and I may never fully recover from them. But, I have perhaps the biggest obstacle yet ahead. I don’t know if I’m ready. My brain is probably shutting down for good reason, to protect me, keep me away from the people who have hurt me. It’s too bad they didn’t listen to me twenty years ago and many times since. It’s too bad they weren’t better when I was growing up. I rather regret they brought me into this world. But, I’m here, and I am trying to make the best of it, even if that means doing nothing.

They will go on, living as they wish, possibly regretting the loss of their children and grandchildren. But, unlike most people, they won’t regret it enough to do anything about it.

When I was a teenager, I seriously considered ending my life many times. One reason I didn’t do it was of how it would have upset my grandmother. The other reason is that I didn’t want to give my parents the opportunity to gain sympathy from my death. I assumed they would not be upset if I died. For much of the past twenty or thirty years, I’ve pushed back on that notion, for surely my parents would not want to lose a child.

However, they have made it clear that I was right. I just was in denial, no matter how much I didn’t want to believe it. My parents have chosen themselves and each other over their children – and now, their grandchildren! Who does that? Well, I know two people who do, and, while my siblings are handling it OK, my brain has no chance. I have enough awareness to feel lucky to have food and shelter.

If I had a time machine, it might be tempting to find a way to die when I was younger, but then I’d miss many things, like my children and wife. We’ve had so many good times together. My family has messed up so much, and autism just makes it worse.

There is more to life I want to experience, but I have to get through this year. In some ways it’s easier, some ways harder than last year. I’ve lost way too much in this process, and when I get to 2023, I have no idea what, if anything, will replace it. Will I just be in some kind of burnout mode for the rest of my life and never get back to what interests me?

December won’t be easy, but I can be the kid locked away alone in his room reading books on space and playing with legos and be perfectly happy, until someone comes and tells me I need to do something more constructive with my life . . .

Right now, doing nothing is the most constructive thing I can do. I hope there aren’t typos, as I don’t have energy to edit this right now.

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