My Confusion ≠ Judgement of you

My confusion is sometimes perceived as judgement. It works like this: a person does something I don’t understand, I am confused, I try to figure out what is going on, and that is perceived as a judgement. For example, I might ask, “Why did you do that?” as a way to collect information to process in hopes of understanding what happened, not to judge.

This becomes problematic when a person jumps to the conclusion that I’m judging them, and I don’t get to process or consider the new information. Moreover, I may need more and more information, so I can trust my result.

This also compounds over time and with more experiences. If you are lost, looking backwards can help figure out how to move forward. However, you need to be certain you are looking back at the correct reference object. It’s like having 100 objects when other people have 1. Which one?


Where have I come from? Where am I going? This is for most interactions, not just some life goals. My goal is to have interactions where nobody gets upset; it seems like that should be achievable, at least some of the time. But, it can be tricky, and every time an interaction goes wrong, it worsens. It’s not a good place to be at this stage in my life.

Furthermore, when the people who you are most comfortable around are no longer around you, it’s difficult knowing how things could be if you found other people like that. But, that’s not always easy or possible. The added stress of past mistakes only makes me less likely to want to find the “right people.” Maybe the correct people for me are no people, or just close family, perhaps a close colleague. (I’m avoiding the word “friend” right now; it seems to lessen the anxiety.) I guess there is nothing wrong with that, and it’s far better than some people have it. I’m extremely lucky in that sense, I’m aware.

Finding the “right people” or “right action” is a confusing process and one that requires discernment. Is discernment judgmental? If so, am I judging a poisonous snake for simply existing? What about choosing not to run headlong into a rose bush? I’m judging the rose bush, believing it to want to hurt me if I go to “bond” with it. Or, that is discernment, making a good decision.

Who gets to decide who is good and bad? If I go just with my gut instinct, I can’t’ really know, as a lot of “bad” people seem to have more emotional range than so-called “good” people. But, I think my emotional range is considerable. Am I bad? Maybe bad people have a shallower range, and that drives their “badness.” But are they aware of this?

Potentially, it’s the “good” people who are confused and “bad” ones who are not. How should I know? That would make me both bad and good! Isn’t everyone? If that’s a given, why do people misunderstand me? Or, why do I misunderstand them?

However, my confusion is not judgement! It may be the opposite of it! Saying, “Everyone is both good and bad” can be used as a dangerously cheap copout, frequently resulting in harm. Human history has untold volumes of evidence to support that. On the other hand, not believing that axiom also creates problems. Therefore, it must be the application of the concept, not the concept itself, that is in question. It is a common difficulty with autism. My frustration is a byproduct of this confusion and a desire to do what is right and good.

If I’m confused, I’m doing my best to not pass judgement on someone. I am judging MY confusion and trying to end it, so I don’t make a mistake. The sad thing is—I usually do. So, I’m doubly confused, and, for good measure, get accused of being judgmental, the very thing I was not intending.

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