My Autistic Journal

a continuation of many years of self-discovery and perseverance

  • Sometimes I just need a small reminder or little encouragement.
    It’s been a really rough day. But, it’s OK now. I just needed some support, and I got it from someone. Then, that gave me the ability to do some more things that were […]
  • I think the Magnificat was also for the other Mary.
    She just never figured it out. Neither did most people. It’s too hard of a sell, and you have to sell. Besides, the other Mary is in the way, you know, the one who […]
  • I asked for bread, but you gave me a stone. How to efficiently make someone’s life worse.
    “Is there anyone among you who, if your child asked for bread, would give a stone? Or if the child asked for a fish, would give a snake? If you, then, who are evil, […]
  • The pen of love is mightier than the sword of hate. Besides, I’m a pacifist.
    I’m not a martyr. Not wanting to kill a person doesn’t make you a martyr. It just means you live be a different moral code than the people who are abusing you. But, I […]
  • How to help a suicidal person want to die more, in two easy steps.
    When they come to you for help, ignore them. If they don’t get the message you don’t care, make sure to treat them horribly, so they don’t attack you, since they “obviously” (sarcasm) are […]
  • I can’t ignore the pain they caused.
    I don’t see them, in person or virtually. I have no desire to. I’d rather be around strangers. But, in my mind, they are there, reminding me what they’ve done. The only way to […]
  • Dear People in My Universe
    Dear people in my universe, If you think I don’t like you, the odds are you are mistaken. I tend to like people more than they like me. If you think I’m blaming you […]
  • Forget the “kick me” sign. Just give me the “I’ll be your scapegoat if you ask me” banner.
    Need a scapegoat? Just look for your “favorite” autistic (or mentally ill) person. We won’t see it coming, we’ll be happy someone is being friendly, and always think we deserved whatever blame a person […]
  • Let’s do some VERY basic math.
    Scale -3 to +3 JOB No/little JOB People -3 2 $$$ 3 -2 Creativity -1 2 Anxiety -3 -1 Self-worth 2 -3 Good example for kids 2 -1 Executive Functioning -3 1 Physical Stress […]
  • What I needed was not that complicated.
    WHAT I NEEDED at my last job was not that complicated: Some person(s) to help me in certain challenging social situations Everyone else to not get in the way of the person(s) helping me, […]
  • It shouldn’t be this hard to go out to eat.
    One evening with autism . . . Triggers everywhere. My wife and I went out to eat for the first time in a while. We don’t very often, for multiple reasons. But, on a […]
  • I’ve lost the desire to see people, and there is nothing wrong with that.
    Short post. I’m just not sure if I want to see people anymore. It’s better that way for everyone. However, I can connect through the internet, and maybe I can figure out a way […]
  • I should just quit talking to everyone.
    I’m annoying. I know it. And, I don’t like it. Even with some medication to help me focus, I still annoy people. That might be putting it mildly. Yesterday, I was having a great […]
  • I wish I knew how people really felt about me.
    While I’m sure there is never an absolute way to know what another person thinks or feels about you, I wish there were a better way in general. There are some “facts” I could […]
  • A big shift in my thinking? I certainly hope so.
    I don’t have time to explain right now, but I’m focusing on good things. I’ve been trying to, but for so long, my guilt has drawn me away. Now, however, it has become obvious […]
  • Rejecting me is also rejecting my children.
    If you reject an autistic person with autistic children, that rejection will affect the kids. Think about it before you make that choice, and make sure you understand what you are _actually_doing to harm other people.
  • Early considerations for the new year. Do I really need therapy, medications, friends, a job, family?
    It’s 2023, and I have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it’s especially unsettling for me, my autistic brain not being able to process things very […]
  • ”Liking a football team is usually considered normal.”
    In response to my special-interest comment about football, two of my children responded in ways I found insightful and clever. The first said to me, “You are unlucky because you have special interests most people don’t want to talk about.” The second stated that, “Liking a football team is usually considered normal. Enjoying talking about autism is not usually considered normal.”
  • Losing a friend you thought understood you is not easy.
    Losing a friend you thought understood you is not easy. It’s especially difficult when you conclude you lost the friend because she actually did understand you, and you became that annoying, uncaring person you have been trying for your entire life not to be.
  • A quick preview for the long close of the year.
    I’ve survived Christmas! New Year’s is easy as I’m back home. My children are all here, as is my wife. The dogs are well. It’s a moment of tranquility to end the year. That […]
  • This journal is a process, and I have so much to process.
    These are not problems for just autistic brains. The ability for the brain to process information can be greatly affected by ADHD, trauma, and many other disorders and factors. The lack of sleep and stress make processing more difficult and paranoia more likely.
  • The shortest day of the year. (My dog is cool.)
    Today is the shortest day of the year! I feel rather energized and happy, and that’s because I’ve been spending hours working on a major project that has excited me. Furthermore, for many years, […]
  • My children are my raison d’être.
    When it comes to my children, I’m grateful to have them, but I sometimes feel guilty that they got me as a father. I also don’t want them to be the only reason I’m alive because that puts too much pressure on everyone.
  • Do people even care? Autism and Suicide.
    For much of my life, I’ve wondered if people cared if I’m alive or would be that upset if I died.
  • When the highlight of your week is getting shots.
    That tiny amount of physical contact, even though it’s accompanied by a sharp object being forced into my body, makes me feel connected to another person.
  • Here’s how my days often begin.
    I wake up in the morning feeling good, with a lot of energy. Last night, I tried to get to bed at a better time. Every few days, I try to recalibrate my thinking […]
  • Here’s how my days often have ended this year.
    It’s 4am. My day, in many ways, was not terrible, but I’ve been crying off and on for the past eight hours. Not a lot, but just always at the surface. If I get […]
  • Just me rambling, in real time.
    Yeah. So, my brain right now. Stayed up too late again. Lots of energy. Feeling good waking up. Wife home today after working in the morning (on Saturday). It’s fine, good, really. Again, lots […]
  • Everything seems Backwards.
    Obviously, to say that everything seems backwards would be an overstatement. However, many parts of my life involving people don’t make sense. The feelings and the logic don’t line up. Communication always is off, […]
  • Raccoons!
    My younger brother’s son was diagnosed with autism around age three. After quite extensive therapy, he was mainstreamed in schools, and seems to be doing well. His autism would probably be more noticeable than […]
  • It’s not my job to fix everything or everyone.
    I think this will be one of my shorter posts. It’s not my job to fix everything or everyone. That’s it! I’m a work in progress, so I’ll mess up. Please be patient with […]
  • Overwhelmed – can I even survive this?
    Note: As a reminder, this journal is a journey, a progression, and if something bothers you, keep going to see what happens. I plan on doing that, too, and I’ve not given up yet. […]
  • I don’t understand means I don’t understand.
    For some reason, the more I tell people I am confused or don’t understand, the less they believe me. Do they think I’m using that as an excuse? Maybe it’s the way I say […]
  • An atypical stroll with my wife: another chance for communication malfunctions.
    My wife and I started walking during the pandemic, a habit we continue. It’s a good thing, and I get frustrated when we can’t. We aim for daily, and usually do at least five […]
  • A quick shoutout to my peeps, known and unknown.
    Thank you for helping me on my journey. I don’t know who most of you are, but the few comments I get are encouraging, and we all need encouragement. My brain tries to see […]
  • F.F.F.F.
    Note: this was going to be a second part to F. F. F., but I need to rethink both posts. I’m also getting some data from autistic Twitter friends to get an overall sense […]
  • I’m way behind on doing nothing. (I hate December.)
    I’m way behind on doing nothing. I really need to be doing nothing, but I forget sometimes. It’s like a patient after surgery who feels better and decides to do a bit too much. […]
  • ”Letting go” may not be a trivial saying after all.
    The idea of “letting go” is present in most religions, philosophies, spiritual activities, mental and physical disciplines, and stories from galaxies far, far away. It can be expressed as “dying to self,” “slipping away […]
  • Trying hard NOT to be someone
    Am I spending all my time trying not to be someone? Leading autism expert Dr. Tony Atwood has observed that autistic people tend to describe friends by what they don’t do instead of what […]
  • My major meltdown was a result of a series of major letdowns.
    Before I was an adult, I tended to shut down when I was confused or anxious. The first example I’ve heard about was when my parents brought my sister home from the hospital. I […]
  • On “labelling,” PART 3. Conclusion: a big autistic mistake?
    For at least as many times as there have been days in my life, I have forgotten a simple truth: not everyone perceives the world as I do. A common trait, if not a […]
  • It’s a good day when someone acknowledges my struggles.
    While it was brief, somewhat in passing, and part of a much longer and substantial conversation, recently someone acknowledged that I had more physical and mental health challenges than most people. Furthermore, he acknowledged […]
  • The Mysterious Candy Basket, PART 2: Back to Square Zero
    NOTE: If you have not already, please see Part 1. For the past ten years, the other students have happily gotten candy from the candy basket, while you continue to get none. In your […]
  • SO MANY IDEAS—a quick update about My Autistic Journal
    My brain is fully engaged in hyper-creative mode. That’s fun and exciting but also makes me vulnerable to being more irritated when interrupted by others, irritating when I’m interrupting others, annoying when not interrupted […]
  • This is what I wish people would understand about my autism.
    These wishes are vital to my well-being and should help you understand me better. Dismissing them is very hurtful. This is true for anyone with a condition, mental or physical, that presents challenges the […]
  • The Mysterious Candy Basket, PART 1: Why can’t I get candy?
    A STORY ABOUT AN AUTISTIC CHILD At your Preschool, on every Monday, each child gets to go up to a big basket, full of a variety of candy and take a piece (or two, […]
  • My version of the famous parable, “The Good Samaritan”
    BACKGROUND – THE ORIGINAL STORY “The Good Samaritan” is one of the more famous parables of Jesus, told after he was asked, “Who is my neighbor?” Martin Luther King, Jr. made a long reference […]
  • Autism and Misapplication of Humor
    Here is the pattern: I see someone do or say something, and it makes another person laugh. If the person is laughing, they must be happy. If they are happy, that’s a good thing! […]
  • How did I get so popular?
    I’m not sure I can handle this. Someone tell me what to do before I ramble on about it on some blog . . .
  • Finally, I have some time alone to think.
    For possibly the first time since I was very young, I have almost nothing I have to do for the foreseeable future. I have very few responsibilities, little external pressure, a minimal amount of […]
  • How about some GOOD news?
    I’ll take my encouragement from wherever I can at the moment. October 6, 2022: Thank you for all the views, as well as some follows, likes, and comments. It’s nice to know at least […]
  • Protected: This is why I think you don’t like me.
    This content is password protected.
  • You might as well call me an avocado from Mexico. (“On Labelling,” Part 2)
    In my “On Labelling” post, I explained why I thought it would be good if one considers a label to be a diagnosis. Isn’t more information better? Ironically, more information may prove otherwise. Many […]
  • I don’t want to talk to the teacher anymore.
    In the seventh grade, a note on my report card said: “ . . . has not developed the needed skills to work as a part of a team yet. He has ideas but […]
  • Mystery Color Wheel
    Drawing can be very therapeutic. I got some colored pencils when I was a child and still have them all (of course). I’m not any good, but that’s kind of the point. I do […]
  • My Confusion ≠ Judgement of you
    My confusion is sometimes perceived as judgement. It works like this: a person does something I don’t understand, I am confused, I try to figure out what is going on, and that is perceived […]
  • “Some people lie.”
    When I was in my thirties, both married and a father, I experienced some anxious and confounding work-related situations. These tend to happen when I don’t understand what people are telling me, either in […]
  • Outnumbered Outsider
    According to recent data, 1 in 44 children in the United States have been diagnosed with ASD. (CDC Autism Data). This is up from 1 in 150 in 2000, and when I was a […]
  • On “Labelling*” (An Autistic Perspective)
    In general, “labelling” a person with a mental health condition tends to be met with disdain. Therapists especially tend to encourage not focusing on labels but on behaviors and symptoms. However, I have tended […]
  • How do I know if someone actually likes me?
    Well . . . it’s hard to know for sure if someone actually likes you or considers you to be the “F” word . . . “friend,” but here are some thoughts, from an […]
  • Autism Translation Chart: Understanding NTs
    Disclaimer: these are based on my personal experiences involving many people for many years and should not be interpreted as relating to any specific individuals but to non-autistic people in general. NT stands for […]
  • People don’t really want you to be helpful.
    I’m waiting in a car, trying to explain to my wife that I’m not comfortable with a group of strangers having her phone number in some group texting she was telling me about. She […]
  • You can’t use a person as a security blanket.
    Earlier today, I spoke with someone whose son has ASD, and I told him about a very anxious situation I was trying to work through. This was, as so many problems are for those […]
  • Bad days don’t last either.
    It gets better. Then, it will get worse. We yearn for stability in a chaotic universe. Change is constant – so is fear. Don’t fear that a bad day will last forever while fearing […]
  • Rejection hurts badly.
    Please note: as this could be upsetting to some people who have had similar experiences, remember this is one account from one person at one moment in time. Don’t apply it indiscriminately to your […]
  • Too much advice, too little time
    “Patience is a virtue.” “The early bird catches the worm.” “Good things come to those who wait.” “Carpe Diem.” Because I want to incorporate every little bit of information into the puzzle of human […]
  • Two steps behind.
    After many years of research, testing, counseling, journaling, notes, and a final battery of testing over several days, I was formally diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1. Hooray, a diagnosis! Well, not so […]

One response to “My Autistic Journal”

  1. Autistic Journal-er, your blog will soon be added to our Actually Autistic Blogs List (https://anautismobserver.wordpress.com/). Please click here (or on the “How do you want your blog listed?” link at the top of that site) to customize your blog’s description on the list (or to decline).

    Also, would you be willing to add the Actually Autistic Blogs List (https://anautismobserver.wordpress.com/) to your Resources page? It is a comprehensive list of blogs by Actually Autistic bloggers.

    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

    Liked by 1 person

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Warning: the contents of some of the articles in this blog could be upsetting for some people to read. They represent the thoughts of one person at one moment in time and do not represent the whole of that person or any other. This is not the time to get too focused on details! Don’t apply any information here indiscriminately to your own life when it may not even apply. If reading any article on this blog (or anywhere else) causes you anxiety, stop reading immediately and do something more relaxing!

Disclaimer: these posts are based on my personal experiences involving many people for many years and should not be interpreted as relating to any specific individuals unless specifically mentioned. Furthermore, they are meant to be a positive contribution that helps bring people together.

#ASD, #AUTISM, #ActuallyAutistic

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