A couple of days ago, my son brought up something that happened in his High School band, not to him, but to someone else. He was very upset about it. It appears that one […]

It’s time to live the life I’m supposed to live, and not the life others have wanted me to. And, if I don’t really know what I’m doing, that’s great too! Now that I’m […]

I’m taking too long getting up a post about May 4, 2022. That day was one of the worst in my life because of what I had to do. The week was also bad, […]

Neurotypicals have such a bizarre way of communicating. It would be funny, except for all the times their lack of good communication has created problems for me. Of course, I’m certain that is an […]

Just give it time. Be patient. One day at a time. Great advice. Also, grating advice. What are we waiting for, anyway? A return to normal? No. At least, not for some of us. […]

I’ve been told I care too much or am too empathetic. I don’t know if that’s true. It doesn’t feel true now. My wife doesn’t ever want to accept things happen to me that […]

I need help. It’s that simple. People can doubt me, ignore me, gaslight me, or whatever they want, but I can’t survive on my own. It’s too hard going in places, but I also […]

No. I’m still good. My last post was about the proof I have that my life is much better than it has been in a long time. However, as often happens, I wear myself […]

In a post from three months ago, I discussed the trauma of going to a restaurant with my wife. There were some specific triggers that made me very anxious, as well as the more […]

Nope. Sorry. Not happening. Maybe, hopefully, I’m learning. A couple of people have texted me this week, and I decided not to respond. That would feel rude, except I know what they are doing! […]

My life feels good right now — in some ways. I’m at a job temporarily that has gone well for a couple of weeks. While I’m close to starting there more long-term, I’m not […]

In trying to figure out who may be at fault for something that has happened, no matter how good my intentions, there is one fact that I can be sure of: Spending too much […]

Today will be about getting back to my special interests! I’ve been experiencing a new excitement about a job opportunity to do what I love. It’s probably mine as soon as I would like […]

If I say there have been misunderstandings because I’m literally confused or recognize that there has been a literal misunderstanding, it feels like my assessment is either not taken seriously. Worse yet, I feel […]

I’m working on a longer post, but these are my thoughts early in the morning as I prepare to leave for a potential new job. I’m only filling in for a while, and I […]

I find it so difficult to not be overwhelmed by all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Many people would tell me I’ve not made these mistakes, but I don’t always believe that. […]

In my previous post on boundaries, I wrote, referring to my wife: She can be the hero to the world, and I’ll just stay in bed all day. That is fine with her because […]

It’s very difficult for me to know if I’ve been living my life or someone else’s life. As I essentially got passed off from my mother to my wife, and I feel like I’ve […]

**Those plans are scrapped. They won’t happen. However, the power that made me dream them is still there . . . that power cannot be destroyed.** **_And, that is why we cannot give up._**

I’d rather be isolated from others than isolated from myself. Nobody can separate me from myself, from the “inside world – your mind and heart.”

Good advice? “Keep your shit separate from others’ shit.” That’s approximately what my boss told me not long after he got to my previous job. I think now I’ve realized he was talking about […]

Presently, my wife and I are engaged in some frustrating discussions about boundaries. Despite being just one of the current buzzwords in psychology, I understand there is a logical purpose for them. However, if […]

I have quite a few posts that need some editing, and some of them might make it to “press.” Only half of what I write (or less) makes my cut to be posted, and […]

How am I not supposed to be upset and confused by this? My wife doesn’t like discussing anything negative with me, i.e. when something upsets me. Instead, she tells me to discuss it with […]

Today is the best day! It’s the kind of day that somehow happens when certain celestial bodies line up a certain way. No matter the astrophysics involved, it’s simply a wonderful day. I can’t […]

It has been one year, to the day. There is something about a year’s time. My mother was visiting us this weekend. I’d already been outlining this post, without her knowledge, when she said, […]

Today is important. It’s also frightening. Big days are like that. But, is this a “big” day? That’s the curiosity, as there is no way to know for sure. Actually, the question might be […]

168,630 is the number of words I’ve written so far for this journal. The number of pages is 683. I’ve only published about half of them, and some of them will never be published. […]

I’m now trying to imagine myself just passing through from place to place. That is, after all, what life is, passing through time. Of course, there is more, but it’s all just an illusion […]

Unfortunately, I can easily get caught between individuals or groups of people. Recently, someone told me to, “put on your big boy pants.” While I think she meant well, as a way to encourage […]

Autism: every day is a great opportunity to discover ways your life seems completely backwards, no matter how hard and how long you’ve tried. Autism: it’s safer being alone. It just is. People can […]

I think I’m in a rebuilding phase. Healing had to take place first, after the destruction. Even though I’ve been journalling about both, I’ve not quite figured out what I’m doing. I have some […]

They may be a generation older or younger, but I have some new “friends.”My wife has helped with that – they are our friends. Part of me wants to resist, but I’ve accepted nobody […]

March 7, 2023 Scale -3 to +3 JOB No/little JOB People -3 2 $$$ 3 -3 Creativity 2 2 Anxiety -3 -1 Self-worth 2 -3 Good example for kids 2 -2 Executive Functioning -2 […]

WARNING: If this is triggering or you, or someone that you know needs help, visit the resources listed at the end of this post. These are the following categories that give me a higher […]

The statistics on life expectancy and autism are sobering, assuming you believe living longer is better, with all other variables considered as well. From Amy Marschall’s article on verywellmind.com Autistic people have significantly lower […]

Paranoia can be present in autism, and, if for no other reason, past negative experiences with other humans tend to make one skeptical of what is going on. In some ways, I think autistics […]

This journal is not the only thing I’m working on, but here are some deadlines specific to it. Today is March 6, 2023. Here are my deadlines for myself for this week. This is […]

Saved by the dogs, again. Plus, I was hungry. I’m trying to get a YouTube channel going, though I have no content. There are too many things “in the works,” and that is low […]

I may not get out of bed today, at least not until the dogs make me. What’s the point? Seriously. My life, in most ways, is pointless. I believe I have proof. Honestly, life […]

“It’s just awkward.” I’ve heard that before. I think it’s the polite way to tell me what I’ve done is not fine, but the intent is not being questioned. Autism=awkward. And, people don’t like […]

I’m riding in a car. My wife is driving. There are many posts I’m working on. Some are timely; many were timely some time ago. Should I still post them? Probably. My life is […]

Imaginary friends are the best ones. They don’t abandon you, mistreat you, or take advantage of you. They don’t promise friendship knowing it won’t last, just for whatever short-term gain they have in mind. […]

My brain feels much better than it has in a long time. When I say, “feels,” I mean that literally as well as its ability to function. How am I testing to see? For […]

Yeah. I just suck. Yep. No doubt. I have no clue. Truly. No idea. I should just say that over and over all day. It would make more sense than what I normally say, […]

(If you don’t know anything of Star Wars, this post won’t make any sense.) I forgot about Sithius and any apprentices. Oops. Did Luke give up on Sithius? I guess he did. Vader had […]

I’m tired of too much unsolicited advice. I used to ignore it, to some degree, but it got stuck in my head over time. Now, I’m trying to completely ignore it, though somehow, it […]

People have rejected me. That sucks. But, I can reject that. If they treated me that way, I don’t guess I ever needed them. I don’t like the pain, the guilt, the anxiety it […]

It doesn’t seem to matter. Whether I’m trying to help people or they are trying to help me, something goes wrong. I could blame ASD, but maybe I’m just especially idiotic flavor of autistic. […]

Well, I can’t know for sure. We might be living in an alternate reality. Nonetheless, I’ve had some mild triggers today. I didn’t panic, but I set about to established some facts and not […]

Plans change. I make good ones. It falls apart. Meh. People can really silly sometimes. Silly is the nice way of putting it. Trying to fix problems seems to cause more. But, that doesn’t […]

Is advice good? That was what my wife and I discussed on our walk today. Well, part of our walk, before she got quickly annoyed. I told her I was happy I had realized […]

I’ve given up too much control of my life to others. Ironically, even when I’ve found myself to be (or told that I am) controlling, I’m aware it’s coming from another, external, location. A […]

I’ve never wanted to crowdsource, as it feels wrong, for some reason. Well, the reason is, I don’t think what I do is worth anything. For years, I thought it was because of society, […]

It was at least five years ago, probably seven, since everything feels two years off due to the pandemic. I was in the office of where I used to work, and somehow a conversation […]

I can get stuck, fixated, obsessed. It’s an autism thing, for sure. That can be bad. But, it can also be good. Ask Luke Skywalker (from Star Wars). He never gave up hope. And, […]

For some reason, I kept getting told not to trust the people who treated me well. Why is that? After years and enough stress, it made me start to really worry. And, in the […]

Trying to fit in to neurotypical world is hard enough, but figuring out how to communicate nuances is nearly impossible. I think it leads to mixed metaphors, failed attempts at humor, and even an […]

NOTE: One moment . . . of one day . . . I keep going. So, KEEP READING. OR STOP. See where I end up. This is not the end of the story, I […]

One of the greatest, most hurtful, and pervasive of all the ironies in human nature can be summed up by Gandhi: “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are […]

Sometimes, you just have to ask for it. Otherwise, you’ll never know what you are missing. I’ve been wrong so many times in my life, and that’s fine. But, staying wrong—especially when it’s hurting […]

It’s hard to criticize my wife. I mean, she does live with me, and that should suck for anyone. But, she is gladly married to me. I sometimes think she has a blind adoration […]

For a long time, I thought I understood people well. I think I do pick up on when people are upset, though I don’t even know that any more. What I’ve learned is how […]

A woman at my previous job sent me a raccoon (not a real one!) in the mail after I left. I have no idea what that meant. Was she trying to be kind or […]

Both of my brothers literally wrote my father off by sending him a letter. One of them pointed out to my father that he wanted justice, my other brother wanted revenge, but I wanted […]

Autism is likely the culprit for the following double-standards to exist, or, at a minimum, be perceived to exist, in my life. It also could be due to past trauma or just to the […]

WARNING: If this is triggering for you, or someone that you know needs help, stop reading immediately and find appropriate resources to help. Some of these are listed at the end of my post […]

People don’t trust us. That is their biggest mistake. Then, we don’t trust them or anyone, and all of our abilities may be squandered or suppressed. I’m doing my best to find ways to […]

My wife, for some reason, loves me. I never understood. Well, maybe at some point it made sense. That was before life got too complicated, not her fault nor mine. Still, you don’t know […]

I haven’t finished a very long post on how others trick me into thinking my friends don’t like me. Maybe I never will. At this point, why does it even matter? It seems like […]