My Autistic Journal

  • A timely conversation with my son
    A couple of days ago, my son brought up something that happened in his High School band, not to him, but to someone else. He was very upset about it. It appears that one […]
  • Future plans! (Revised)
    It’s time to live the life I’m supposed to live, and not the life others have wanted me to. And, if I don’t really know what I’m doing, that’s great too! Now that I’m […]
  • Good things aren’t coming . . . they are already here.
    I’m taking too long getting up a post about May 4, 2022. That day was one of the worst in my life because of what I had to do. The week was also bad, […]
  • “Pardon me, but it appears to me as if a car is about to cross paths with any pedestrian who is around me and currently about to step out into the street.”
    Neurotypicals have such a bizarre way of communicating. It would be funny, except for all the times their lack of good communication has created problems for me. Of course, I’m certain that is an […]
  • Everything is back to abnormal!
    Just give it time. Be patient. One day at a time. Great advice. Also, grating advice. What are we waiting for, anyway? A return to normal? No. At least, not for some of us. […]
  • I don’t feel empathetic.
    I’ve been told I care too much or am too empathetic. I don’t know if that’s true. It doesn’t feel true now. My wife doesn’t ever want to accept things happen to me that […]
  • It was delusional while it lasted.
    I need help. It’s that simple. People can doubt me, ignore me, gaslight me, or whatever they want, but I can’t survive on my own. It’s too hard going in places, but I also […]
  • Did the Proof go poof?
    No. I’m still good. My last post was about the proof I have that my life is much better than it has been in a long time. However, as often happens, I wear myself […]
  • Proof of progress
    In a post from three months ago, I discussed the trauma of going to a restaurant with my wife. There were some specific triggers that made me very anxious, as well as the more […]
  • Not falling for it . . .
    Nope. Sorry. Not happening. Maybe, hopefully, I’m learning. A couple of people have texted me this week, and I decided not to respond. That would feel rude, except I know what they are doing! […]
  • I wish there were a way to know what’s actually going on.
    My life feels good right now — in some ways. I’m at a job temporarily that has gone well for a couple of weeks. While I’m close to starting there more long-term, I’m not […]
  • There is one thing that is always my fault.
    In trying to figure out who may be at fault for something that has happened, no matter how good my intentions, there is one fact that I can be sure of: Spending too much […]
  • I’m focusing on myself and what I want to do. This is a great day!
    Today will be about getting back to my special interests! I’ve been experiencing a new excitement about a job opportunity to do what I love. It’s probably mine as soon as I would like […]
  • ”Misunderstandings”
    If I say there have been misunderstandings because I’m literally confused or recognize that there has been a literal misunderstanding, it feels like my assessment is either not taken seriously. Worse yet, I feel […]
  • New job? I doubt it.
    I’m working on a longer post, but these are my thoughts early in the morning as I prepare to leave for a potential new job. I’m only filling in for a while, and I […]
  • I’m really hating myself at the moment.
    I find it so difficult to not be overwhelmed by all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Many people would tell me I’ve not made these mistakes, but I don’t always believe that. […]
  • Some ”boundaries” are a form of control or cover.
    In my previous post on boundaries, I wrote, referring to my wife: She can be the hero to the world, and I’ll just stay in bed all day. That is fine with her because […]
  • Charting my own path
    It’s very difficult for me to know if I’ve been living my life or someone else’s life. As I essentially got passed off from my mother to my wife, and I feel like I’ve […]
  • I still have that plan, even if nobody ever sees it.
    **Those plans are scrapped. They won’t happen. However, the power that made me dream them is still there . . . that power cannot be destroyed.** **_And, that is why we cannot give up._**
  • The Beatitudes: Being alone is not all my fault, but I will keep loving people who hate me.
    I’d rather be isolated from others than isolated from myself. Nobody can separate me from myself, from the “inside world – your mind and heart.”
  • ”Keep your shit separate from others’ shit.”
    Good advice? “Keep your shit separate from others’ shit.” That’s approximately what my boss told me not long after he got to my previous job. I think now I’ve realized he was talking about […]
  • Are boundaries just another way for neurotypicals to take advantage of autistics?
    Presently, my wife and I are engaged in some frustrating discussions about boundaries. Despite being just one of the current buzzwords in psychology, I understand there is a logical purpose for them. However, if […]
  • Changes are coming. An end is in sight. Maybe.
    I have quite a few posts that need some editing, and some of them might make it to “press.” Only half of what I write (or less) makes my cut to be posted, and […]
  • My “triangle” of support is broken.
    How am I not supposed to be upset and confused by this? My wife doesn’t like discussing anything negative with me, i.e. when something upsets me. Instead, she tells me to discuss it with […]
  • I’m a great person, and everyone loves me and my autistic traits!
    Today is the best day! It’s the kind of day that somehow happens when certain celestial bodies line up a certain way. No matter the astrophysics involved, it’s simply a wonderful day. I can’t […]
  • March 29, 2022: the destruction of my family.
    It has been one year, to the day. There is something about a year’s time. My mother was visiting us this weekend. I’d already been outlining this post, without her knowledge, when she said, […]
  • A big day?
    Today is important. It’s also frightening. Big days are like that. But, is this a “big” day? That’s the curiosity, as there is no way to know for sure. Actually, the question might be […]
  • 168,630 (carpe numerum)
    168,630 is the number of words I’ve written so far for this journal. The number of pages is 683. I’ve only published about half of them, and some of them will never be published. […]
  • Just passing through: time to be more Stoic.
    I’m now trying to imagine myself just passing through from place to place. That is, after all, what life is, passing through time. Of course, there is more, but it’s all just an illusion […]
  • Am I getting caught in the middle, again?
    Unfortunately, I can easily get caught between individuals or groups of people. Recently, someone told me to, “put on your big boy pants.” While I think she meant well, as a way to encourage […]
  • The moment your life makes no sense – again.
    Autism: every day is a great opportunity to discover ways your life seems completely backwards, no matter how hard and how long you’ve tried. Autism: it’s safer being alone. It just is. People can […]
  • What am I rebuilding?
    I think I’m in a rebuilding phase. Healing had to take place first, after the destruction. Even though I’ve been journalling about both, I’ve not quite figured out what I’m doing. I have some […]
  • New (old) “friends”
    They may be a generation older or younger, but I have some new “friends.”My wife has helped with that – they are our friends. Part of me wants to resist, but I’ve accepted nobody […]
  • Let’s do some VERY basic math. (Take 2)
    March 7, 2023 Scale -3 to +3 JOB No/little JOB People -3 2 $$$ 3 -3 Creativity 2 2 Anxiety -3 -1 Self-worth 2 -3 Good example for kids 2 -2 Executive Functioning -2 […]
  • How am I still alive?
    WARNING: If this is triggering or you, or someone that you know needs help, visit the resources listed at the end of this post. These are the following categories that give me a higher […]
  • I’m above average! (Life expectancy and autism.)
    The statistics on life expectancy and autism are sobering, assuming you believe living longer is better, with all other variables considered as well. From Amy Marschall’s article on Autistic people have significantly lower […]
  • Is it paranoia if it’s true?
    Paranoia can be present in autism, and, if for no other reason, past negative experiences with other humans tend to make one skeptical of what is going on. In some ways, I think autistics […]
  • Here they are! My self-imposed deadlines. (Week of March 6, 2023)
    This journal is not the only thing I’m working on, but here are some deadlines specific to it. Today is March 6, 2023. Here are my deadlines for myself for this week. This is […]
  • Hey, I got out of bed!
    Saved by the dogs, again. Plus, I was hungry. I’m trying to get a YouTube channel going, though I have no content. There are too many things “in the works,” and that is low […]
  • Let down by others, or letting others down?
    I may not get out of bed today, at least not until the dogs make me. What’s the point? Seriously. My life, in most ways, is pointless. I believe I have proof. Honestly, life […]
  • People who don’t actually like you don’t like being treated like they do. (Being awkward.)
    “It’s just awkward.” I’ve heard that before. I think it’s the polite way to tell me what I’ve done is not fine, but the intent is not being questioned. Autism=awkward. And, people don’t like […]
  • I have all the reasons in the world to hate myself.
    I’m riding in a car. My wife is driving. There are many posts I’m working on. Some are timely; many were timely some time ago. Should I still post them? Probably. My life is […]
  • Escaping the reality of now
    Imaginary friends are the best ones. They don’t abandon you, mistreat you, or take advantage of you. They don’t promise friendship knowing it won’t last, just for whatever short-term gain they have in mind. […]
  • Am I over “burnout”? I’ve been taking some “tests.”
    My brain feels much better than it has in a long time. When I say, “feels,” I mean that literally as well as its ability to function. How am I testing to see? For […]
  • I am SO bad at communication in some ways.
    Yeah. I just suck. Yep. No doubt. I have no clue. Truly. No idea. I should just say that over and over all day. It would make more sense than what I normally say, […]
  • A New Hope (Part 2)
    (If you don’t know anything of Star Wars, this post won’t make any sense.) I forgot about Sithius and any apprentices. Oops. Did Luke give up on Sithius? I guess he did. Vader had […]
  • I don’t need ten opinions. I just need the right advice.
    I’m tired of too much unsolicited advice. I used to ignore it, to some degree, but it got stuck in my head over time. Now, I’m trying to completely ignore it, though somehow, it […]
  • I can reject the rejection!
    People have rejected me. That sucks. But, I can reject that. If they treated me that way, I don’t guess I ever needed them. I don’t like the pain, the guilt, the anxiety it […]
  • Why can’t people just leave me alone?
    It doesn’t seem to matter. Whether I’m trying to help people or they are trying to help me, something goes wrong. I could blame ASD, but maybe I’m just especially idiotic flavor of autistic. […]
  • Here is how I know my brain is better.
    Well, I can’t know for sure. We might be living in an alternate reality. Nonetheless, I’ve had some mild triggers today. I didn’t panic, but I set about to established some facts and not […]
  • Plans change.
    Plans change. I make good ones. It falls apart. Meh. People can really silly sometimes. Silly is the nice way of putting it. Trying to fix problems seems to cause more. But, that doesn’t […]
  • Am I getting good advice?
    Is advice good? That was what my wife and I discussed on our walk today. Well, part of our walk, before she got quickly annoyed. I told her I was happy I had realized […]
  • It’s time to “take back the narrative” of my life.
    I’ve given up too much control of my life to others. Ironically, even when I’ve found myself to be (or told that I am) controlling, I’m aware it’s coming from another, external, location. A […]
  • Will people pay me to keep away? (Creating my own new world.)
    I’ve never wanted to crowdsource, as it feels wrong, for some reason. Well, the reason is, I don’t think what I do is worth anything. For years, I thought it was because of society, […]
  • My autistic friend doesn’t know I defended him.
    It was at least five years ago, probably seven, since everything feels two years off due to the pandemic. I was in the office of where I used to work, and somehow a conversation […]
  • A New Hope (“It’s what I do.”)
    I can get stuck, fixated, obsessed. It’s an autism thing, for sure. That can be bad. But, it can also be good. Ask Luke Skywalker (from Star Wars). He never gave up hope. And, […]
  • Why am I not supposed to trust the people who are nice to me?
    For some reason, I kept getting told not to trust the people who treated me well. Why is that? After years and enough stress, it made me start to really worry. And, in the […]
  • Things are not always what they seem.
    Trying to fit in to neurotypical world is hard enough, but figuring out how to communicate nuances is nearly impossible. I think it leads to mixed metaphors, failed attempts at humor, and even an […]
  • I’ve waited 50 years for something that no longer will happen.
    NOTE: One moment . . . of one day . . . I keep going. So, KEEP READING. OR STOP. See where I end up. This is not the end of the story, I […]
  • I don’t need a savior, but I do require some support.
    One of the greatest, most hurtful, and pervasive of all the ironies in human nature can be summed up by Gandhi: “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are […]
  • The truth will set you free.
    Sometimes, you just have to ask for it. Otherwise, you’ll never know what you are missing. I’ve been wrong so many times in my life, and that’s fine. But, staying wrong—especially when it’s hurting […]
  • Is my wife FINALLY getting it? (Am I the only autistic one?)
    It’s hard to criticize my wife. I mean, she does live with me, and that should suck for anyone. But, she is gladly married to me. I sometimes think she has a blind adoration […]
  • I always thought I understood people, but now I realize it was just them letting me think I did.
    For a long time, I thought I understood people well. I think I do pick up on when people are upset, though I don’t even know that any more. What I’ve learned is how […]
  • The gift of raccoons.
    A woman at my previous job sent me a raccoon (not a real one!) in the mail after I left. I have no idea what that meant. Was she trying to be kind or […]
  • Some want justice, some want revenge. I want a relationship.
    Both of my brothers literally wrote my father off by sending him a letter. One of them pointed out to my father that he wanted justice, my other brother wanted revenge, but I wanted […]
  • A life of double-standards? It certainly feels that way.
    Autism is likely the culprit for the following double-standards to exist, or, at a minimum, be perceived to exist, in my life. It also could be due to past trauma or just to the […]
  • ”At least you know at the end of each day if you’ve completed your goal!”
    WARNING: If this is triggering for you, or someone that you know needs help, stop reading immediately and find appropriate resources to help. Some of these are listed at the end of my post […]
  • Autistics are not always wrong. Sometimes, we are way ahead of you.
    People don’t trust us. That is their biggest mistake. Then, we don’t trust them or anyone, and all of our abilities may be squandered or suppressed. I’m doing my best to find ways to […]
  • Maybe I have a “Hail, Mary” plan I can try.
    My wife, for some reason, loves me. I never understood. Well, maybe at some point it made sense. That was before life got too complicated, not her fault nor mine. Still, you don’t know […]
  • Why couldn’t people just leave me and my friend alone?
    I haven’t finished a very long post on how others trick me into thinking my friends don’t like me. Maybe I never will. At this point, why does it even matter? It seems like […]

One response to “My Autistic Journal”

  1. Autistic Journal-er, your blog will soon be added to our Actually Autistic Blogs List ( Please click here (or on the “How do you want your blog listed?” link at the top of that site) to customize your blog’s description on the list (or to decline).

    Also, would you be willing to add the Actually Autistic Blogs List ( to your Resources page? It is a comprehensive list of blogs by Actually Autistic bloggers.

    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

    Liked by 1 person

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Warning: the contents of some of the articles in this blog could be upsetting for some people to read. They represent the thoughts of one person at one moment in time and do not represent the whole of that person or any other. This is not the time to get too focused on details! Don’t apply any information here indiscriminately to your own life when it may not even apply. If reading any article on this blog (or anywhere else) causes you anxiety, stop reading immediately and do something more relaxing!

Disclaimer: these posts are based on my personal experiences involving many people for many years and should not be interpreted as relating to any specific individuals unless specifically mentioned. Furthermore, they are meant to be a positive contribution that helps bring people together.

#ASD, #AUTISM, #ActuallyAutistic

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